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How To Human-Proof Your Domain
Tips from the Kitty Net, brought to you by Candle
The truly lucky among us know that great feeling of finding the purrfect human- the one who we adore and shower with sweet looks even as every other human around wonders why we do not give them any attention. I have had my human for ten years exactly today and during a shared nap on the couch earlier this afternoon, while she read and gently petted on me, I thought back on all our adventures and thought how nice it would be to offer kitties some ideas on things to do with their new humans. Ways to bond, one could say; the human can be so amusing and it does not take much to get a reaction out of one. Here are some of the best ways to play with your human, and some tips on getting them to do some of the funny things humans are known for. They are such funny creatures and it can be a blast teaching them to do things that you want them to do.
First, we must define "Human-Proof" as the act of arranging a cat house so that the humans who mom and pop-ulate it know without a doubt who is boss in your CAT HOUSE. To accomplish this, put yourself in your human's purrspective: jump up on the highest surface you can find. The top of a door is good, or the railing of a balcony. Your humans' screams of terror will inspire you as you go about surveying your domain. (The effect will intensify if you wobble a bit, or pretend to slip.)
Scan your gaze around your cat house to see spots where your human-proofing work is needed. Making your human's house a cat house is important business, so take your time. You'll see dozens of likely places that could set the scene. I'll give you some useful tips, and with your imagination, you can give this endeavor your purrsonal touch.
Remember, cats rule!
The Hairball Hurl
At least once a week, leave a large hairball on the floor or in a conspicuous place (the middle of the couch is a purrfect spot, or even on the kitchen counter is good!)- later we will talk some of another use of the hairball and strategic placing.
Your human will entertain you for several minutes, by poking, prodding, and analyzing it for content, then extend your entertainment by discussing it for hours with other fascinated humans. (The human mind has an unfathomable bent for making lemonade from life's lemons.)
Mine in particular will walk about for hours and tell herself how many kittens we've had these past few years alone, and how it is a wonder I am as fluffy as I am.
Extra points are given for making a lot of noise before hurling the hairball. A tried-and-true technique is to hunch over, cough, gag, and groan a lot, then when you have attracted the attention of your solicitous human, produce your award-winning hairball. Your rewards will be enhanced by her cries of "Oh, hell, are you ok? What else have you been eating?" as she surveys the prize.
As for strategic placement, at least once every other month make sure to have a hairball in places that human physics will clearly state is impossible for the cat to have placed one, let alone squeezed into or gotten into, climbed on or balanced. The point here is to fracture the human mind for a little while; remember, the human will be left reeling for days, wondering how you managed this. It is a good reminder to humans that just because one is smaller does not mean they can be easily figured out.
The Human Cat House Dance
Leave slippery toys lying around where your human is likely to encounter them at unlikely times (like coming into the house with both arms full of grocery bags); or right in the hall where she stumbles to the shower first thing upon awaking from what she calls her "coma-naps." Her antics as she flails her arms, with elbows, knees and ankles akimbo will give you lots to talk about with other cats on the Kitty Net. Take care that your human doesn't hurt herself, though. The object is just to promote a little fear and panic, which is good for humans- it stimulates their adrenaline glands and gets their hearts pumping. (Think of it as cat house aerobics.) Hard plastic jingle balls are good for this exercise - every self-respecting cat should have plenty of those lying around the house...
Many extra points are given if you can get your human to fly five feet into the air and scream, "Oh, was that your tail? Please, baby, tell me that was not your tail!"
No, it was not my tail but thank you for asking.
Cat House Twist On Toys
When your human brings home a new flashy electronic toy, profess great interest in the box it came in. Gather around it, sniffing and marking it with your cheek glands. Then, when your human hauls out the toy to assemble it, jump in the box for a game of hide-and-seek with your amusing human. Steadfastly ignore the toy, making it obvious that you think the box is the real gift. If your human fails to get the message, the braver among you may try simulating marking the toy with your other glands. Remember, the key word is simulate: just back up to the toy, raise your tail and let it quiver a bit until you get her attention. Prime cat house human-proofing!
An alternative is to give the toy a rousing round of play. Convince your human that you think it's the niftiest thing to come around since catnip. Then, when she has bragged about it to all her friends, convincing them to buy one too, give it the cold shoulder. Look at it with disdain, and give it a wide berth as you pass it on your way to play in a paper bag. You and your friends on the Kitty Net can do a "group snub" as a means of insuring your domain over your respective cat houses, and it will move you closer to human-proofing your own house.
Cat Food Scramble
This is an excellent variation on the Cat House Twist on Toys. Just substitute the latest bag of superior cat food your human brings home to your house. Sniff and scratch at the bag, or even try to tear it open. Then use either variation of the above method. A superb way to show disdain for food is to scratch the floor all around the bowl as if you were attempting to bury it. Your human will be humbled immediately by this ploy, and your goal of making a home a cat house will soon be within reach.
Bring Your Human Gifts
Any kitty's supreme crowning moment that makes the house his or her cat house is the night you leave a small corpse lying on the floor next to your human's side of the bed.
To this day, I have pleasant catnip dreams of her screams when she stepped on the gift in her bare feet on her way to the human litter box. The racket she made resounded throughout the house. It was wonderful and the dance-jig-scramble my human put on for my benefit made me proud of my hairless friend. Get creative, cats: look around your cat house for similar gifts to share with your human. She'll love them, and you'll get extra human-proofing points for your own house.
Extra credit for pawing out the little fish in the bowls if your house has one; the look on your human's face is well worth the wet paw, my friends.
The Food Dish Shuffle
Move your food dish from one side of the house to another. Enlist a partner if the dish is heavy and there's another kitty in your house. Most stubborn humans will move it back into the kitchen. You've now created an interactive kitty-human game. Every time your human moves it back, wait until she is not around, then move it again (stealth is important). After a couple of weeks, many humans will concede, and will leave the food dish in your purrfurred location.
Repetition is important for training the human.
It's now time four Round Two. You guessed right: move the food dish back into the kitchen. Bonus points are given in Round One for choosing the bathtub as your purrfurred location. It's a little challenging, but it can be done.
The Figure-Eight
When she's walking from one room to another, wind around her legs, in and out, rubbing and purring.
This is especially effective if she is carrying something, but watch out for spilled hot coffee! The key is not to hurt your human, but listen as she chatters and praises you for being such a sweet, agile kitty. It's best to practice this trick when she is barefoot or wearing slippers. If she steps on your tail, extra points for a blood-curdling meeooowtch! Her screams of fright will more than compensate for the momentary pain, and if you play the guilt trip game, you might even be rewarded with Kitty Krack and lovies.
There's also a lot to be said about letting your human think that one of her human friends have trampled on her beloved's paw or tail. The look your human will shot the offending party for the rest of the visit, as well as the belly rubs and cooing, make this trick a must.
Cat-Assisted Computer 101
Help your human on the computer. When you see her actively engaged, jump on her lap and climb up her chest until she bobs her head to look around you. Force her to do the one-finger type while she pets you or holds you with her other hand. An alternative technique is to nuzzle her fingers as she types. A little drool is indicated here, along with some shedding. Copious cat spit and fur is great for holding together a keyboard.
Also good for the keyboard is using it as a convenient place to leap onto the monitor. Try to hit as many of the keys as possible, pausing to really mash them as you wriggle about and aim for the top of the monitor. If there happens to be anything up there, for my human will place things for me to move around at my leisure on any surface given to her, push it off, onto the keyboard if at all possible.
And remember, it's not called a 'mouse' for nothing.
Keep in mind all the while that this is your cat house and that you are doing your human a huge favor in human-proofing it.
Mind Games:
Punkin and Veto (Kitty Net Members) vow: "One must keep the humans in a state of dazed befuddlement at all times, and to that end we must mess with their heads."
I agree completely with this sentiment. If you can get your human to lay on the floor and stare up at the ceiling a few times a week, hardly blinking, than you are well on your way to being a master of fluffy whimsy.
The Hand That Pets
Love that warm, cozy feeling when your human pets you? Capitalize on it with a fabulous mind game: After you've had your fill of petting, carefully and meticulously clean off ALL the remnants of human scent from your fabulous fur.
Extra points for "annoyance ears" while going about your washing (my human calls them "airplane ears" wink . You want her to get the message that what she thought was her home is really a cat house, and it will drive her wild! Extra points for cleaning her hand before she pets you. Some more obtuse humans might think it's a gesture of love, but the savvy ones will get the message.
The Lost In The Wilderness Cry
One easy-to-master tactic is the "Lost Soul in the Wilderness" cry. "This is simply an extended, hollow, mournful cry, repeated at close but erratic intervals during darkest night. Act indifferent when the human is roused to action." -Punkin
The Fixed Stare
Similarly, the fixed stare at a random point on the wall causes humans to come unglued. Pick a spot, stare, and refuse to break your gaze or shift position until your human is standing on chairs listening to the wall with a stethoscope. (Such fun!)
Extra points given for the human to look, than look back at you...only to find you staring straight at them instead. Drives mine batty!
The Ultimate Mind Game: Hide And Seek
(Also known as "Human Threatens To Kill Everyone She Sees Until She Finds Her Cat" wink
While human-proofing, find the best hiding place in the house. The cubby-hold under the stairs is good, or the back of a deep closet. If your human has a king-sized bed, try underneath, exactly in the middle.
(My personal favorite was my human's beloved reading seat- you know, one of those big seats with comfortable cushions. I found out early on that the bottom of the seat was completely hollow and there was a small tear in the bottom of the fabric at the very bottom of the chair that allowed me to climb up into the chair, and rest in peace and darkness.
The only drawback is that now that is the first place my human looks when I have pulled a fast one...However, I already have a new spot!
...And no, I am not saying where that new place is at.)
Wait until her back is turned, then disappear. It may take awhile for her to notice your absence, for cats are known to take long naps, so prepare for a long snooze (right after lunch is a good time for this game). Make sure you wake in time to hear her frantic calls for you. Be very quiet and do not fall for lame human tricks like rattling the food bag or using the can opener; resist the treat bag, no matter how much it is shaken. After an hour or two of enjoying your human's antics as she searches for you, wander out from your hiding place, and while doing a great deal of yawning and blinking, wrap yourself around her legs.
Bonus Round Of Hide And Seek: Set the scene for this last game by stationing yourself near the outside door, and every time your human opens it, make a feint dash for the door. Warning: Don't actually go out the door (it's very dangerous out there and some humans smell really, really bad), but act as though it's your heart's desire. You can up the ante by meowing loudly and scratching at the door at odd times of day and night. Then, when you are ready to play the game for real, chances are that your human will immediately think that somehow you managed to slip out. Extend your hiding time in this variation by waiting until she has typed and printed twenty to forty color "Lost Cat" flyers and distributed them around the neighborhood. (You may need to enlist the help of your cat-housemates in letting you know if you are not an only-kitty.) Or, if your human is like mine, wait until she is about to start knocking on doors and threaten violence if her kitty is not returned. One night in particular I had my human and her three friends scouting the neighborhood. It was great fun to come out from under the chair, all sleepy-eyed and warm and pad up to her and snuggle on her. There was a rain of love, belly-rubs, treats, and kissies that night.
You'll reign as King or Queen of your cat house and its human-proofing will be complete at this stage! Have fun with your humans; remember, they can't help being...well...human.
 RadiantFlare · Mon Apr 28, 2008 @ 02:47am · 0 Comments |
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