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The nights are the worst.
I used to sleep in the complete dark because I found that more soothing; it seemed quiet and peaceful and I thought that if I closed my eyes and breathed very gently, all I would have to do is open my eyes again and I would see you beside me, sleeping, the moonlight making you seem almost to glow. I watched you as you slept a great deal, I have to confess to you. I used to lay awake beside you and just watch you, at a complete loss for what I did to deserve you or warrant you being there with me. I breathed very carefully because I was afraid that if I took too deep a breath you would just suddenly not be there anymore.
Every morning I would open up my eyes and you would be there made me happy; even if you were not in the room with me, I could sense you or hear you near and though I never let it show, I felt almost sick with relief every time I woke up and confirmed you were still there with me. Isn't that silly? Me, of all people. You, of all people. The two of us together, of all people.
But now the night holds no damned peace, it seems loud and suffocating and to mock me. Even when I do sleep there are the damn dreams. They have changed over time; I used to have such sweet dreams that left me smiling for the rest of the day because in those first few weeks of you leaving, I believed you would be back just the next day. "If not today...tomorrow..." I would tell myself and I would smile and sometimes I would spend hours trying to find something I thought you might like to see me wearing, something that would be perfect for welcoming my love home. Something to compliment the only piece of proof I have of you having been here with me, worn around my neck and the only thing that touches my heart now.
"For all you know it could be tomorrow...I will see you soon..." Those were your words to me. Some of your last words to me. I keep them in my heart...to keep myself from going mad with these emotions...but also because I believe you. You said you would come back to me. Though it will not be soon enough, you said you would come back to me.
Please. Come back to me.
I had a dream once that was so real...I dreamt I was sleeping and you slipped into the room that we shared and you were as quiet as a shadow as you eased towards me...and than you slipped into the bed with me and took me into your arms and...
I woke up with my face wet and I felt the smile first, not the tears. I woke up actually smiling and turned to touch you...and found nothing. I found nothing, I was alone, and it was just a damned dream.
I had one of my little rages, I am not ashamed to admit. But you would be proud of me, Asai. You would be proud. I did not hurt anyone that night. I just sat in our bed and wept like a ******** baby. It was the last time I slept with the lights off.
It got worse after that. As time has went by, the dreams have gotten worse. I used to dream of you coming home...and now I dream of you never coming home. I dream of you dying. I dream of blood and it is always yours. I dream of you hurt, bleeding, and dying somewhere I can not imagine, somewhere I will never find you. I see you cut down in one of your fights and these dreams are worse than waking up to find myself alone in our bed. These dreams are so much worse. They feel more real to me than you do at this point.
For all I know I am writing all of this to a ghost. You could be dead now.
You could have died the moment you went through that portal. I might have spent all this time believing you would come home to me one day even as you laid dead in some distant world.
Just thinking of you being dead...I used to think you were the only thing that could take my breath away from me. Now I can not breath just thinking of what could have happened or be happening to you. For the first time in my life I know what real fear is. It is bad enough I have to dream of you dying and not being able to help you. It is another thing to realize this might not ever be over, there might be no end to this panic in my chest.
I want this to be over.
If you are gone from me in such a permanent way...I want all of this to be over.
The hardest part was not watching you go, though that was by far the worst experience I have ever had in my life up to this point of it. As bad as that was, the having to stand there and watch you go...To just stand there knowing that a time had come where nothing could keep you at my side...as bad as that was, and for all my coldness, Asai, don't think that did not hurt like hell, the worst has been waiting for you to come back to me.
I see you everywhere. I guess it is where I want to see you everywhere that I do but it just seems cruel. They are all ghosts of you. Mirages of a memory. And as much as I love any reminder of you...any proof that you were real...I have come to despise each and every one of them.
They are not you. Sometimes I think it might be you...the shadows outside will move in such a way that I think you are coming through the divide of this world from whichever world you went to...and I think you are coming home...but it is never you.
So between the dreams and the ghosts I have had a lot of time to sit and think. Aren't you proud of me, my love? I have not risen my hand at anyone, not hurt anyone, though I admit that they are helping me with that by staying out of my sight. It's easy, anyway, since even when I do leave the room it is late at night and they all know to let me be. For once I am very thankful no one is trying my patience. I want to keep my word to you no matter what but my ability to keep this violent storm of emotions inside...
Still, all this time, not one drop of blood has been shed by this hand. I have kept it all inside. I have spent the time thinking. I have come to a lot of heavy conclusions, some I might once have slept on but I do not sleep anymore. The dreams are too much. Waking up without you has become too much.
I do not want to leave the castle because this is where I believe would be the first place you would look if you were to come home. I do not want to leave it because I can not think of where else you would come to look for me if you were to come back to me...but I am beginning to think more and more I should just try...I do not know. I know logically I can not use the mirror to find you. I know that, I know logically that it will not help me find you; I know what it is capable of, I know what it does. It helped to make me...so I have no illusions that it has an ounce of sympathy in it for any amount of pain offered to it. But there are times, very late at night when all of what I have kept such a tight lock on starts to eat at me...and I think that maybe...just maybe it could show me something, just a clue...just point me in the general direction...If the mirror could just give me a little bit to go on, I would tear heaven and hell apart to get to you...
But I know that is the madness suggesting that I use that damnable thing to help me find you.
Still...it is something. It is something when I have nothing. Nothing but these fears and the time stretched out behind me where I have calmly waited and all that hope I had of tomorrow...
I entertain thoughts of just leaving the castle and starting out on my search for you...but I know what little chance I might have of being with you again would than be shot, because there's an endless amount of possibilities out there and though I hate to admit it, the best chance I have of being with you again is just sitting here, like a good little girl and waiting, though it is the waiting that is driving me mad. I can not stand this. I can not stand just sitting here and waiting! I want to help you if you need me, damnit, I want to find you.
Instead I sit here. I keep my word. I do not hurt anyone though I can think of a few people I would love to get my hands on, just a couple that would suit me well in this time, to be able to vent some of this out on. Now I hate her more than ever. I want to kill her so much because I feel that some of the blame is hers. If not for wanting to help them you could be here with me. But, no. You asked that I harm no one and I will not. Even if I have to do something to keep my anger in check, I will. Because I gave you my word.
So I guess that means more waiting. Waiting and waiting and waiting and not knowing and it's the not knowing that is eating me alive.
If only I could know you were ok. Even if you have found someone else...someone better than me...I used to think I would not want to know but now I realize how stupid I was to think such a thing.
I want to know. If you have not come back to me because someone else took my place, because you found someone who could offer you more, than I wish you could at least just let me know, however you see fit, simply because at times like this...I would rather just know...just...
I want to be free of this. Asai, I am tired. I used to think that at any given moment you would walk back into my world...and than I used to think it would just be tomorrow, just like you said...and now...now I do not know about anything. I just do not know...
And that is the worst part of all of this. I don't know and I am getting desperate for something, anything.
I used to be afraid of not seeing you again. Now I am beginning to be afraid of what I will do to find you again. I used to be afraid of what I would find if I did find you again...
Now I am more afraid than I could ever express of what I will not find.
One of the most vivid dreams I had before the ones with blood was that I found you again...and I was so happy...but when you turned to look at me there...there was nothing in your eyes. You looked at me but you...there was nothing there. My Asai was not just gone...he was there. But the love was gone.
And you turned from me and you walked away.
It was just like the first time. But truly worse. There was nothing in your eyes for me and I knew you were gone, I knew you were not coming back to me...
If you ever were here with me before.
All of the time we had...it now feels like the dream. The dream I had of you.
I fear you are gone. Really gone.
I wonder what I will do with this book when I get to the end of it, if I get to the end of it. I am going longer between entries because there is so much I am ashamed to let out. I know you could look at these pages and know more about me than I could ever tell you at this point. I have cried in these pages, I have raged, I have written the kind of letters I never thought one like me could be capable of composing. I have admitted so many of my fears in these pages. In some ways, this book now has my soul in it...or rather, the part you did not take with you when you left. Because you took a great big part of me when you left. You were the one that made me real. You breathed life into me...you said my name...you were the one that made me solid and made a stone heart beat. So I guess it is only right that when you left, you would take so much of me with you.
As for this book...I do not know. There are still a good number of pages in it...and that disheartens me. It makes me think of all the time before me, all the time without you that is laid out before me like these blank pages. What will I do with that time? This waiting feels like hell to me.
But I guess that is exactly what I deserve for the things I have done. For the things I might end up doing to get you back, to get back to you. You made me real...now I feel that I am fading away. Maybe all that will be left of me by the time you return is this book, these pages. If this is all that is left, I beg you to forgive me my weakness. It shows on every page. I just hope you will forget all the bad. Forgive me for what wrong I have done. You of all people...I want you to forgive me. Leave out all the bad, which is most of what I am, but please keep the good in me...remember that I loved you from the moment I first saw you.
I don't think I told you this...I don't think we ever discussed it beyond the most obvious points...but the night that you were brought here by Alexander's men...that night was a celebration, a kind of home-coming for me. I had been away for a long time and had come back because Alexander had asked me but also, I will admit, because I wanted to finish what I had started years back, killing that pathetic creature and all she held dear.
But the night you were brought here...That night was held in my honor, something that was Alexander's idea of a celebration but I also wondered if he remembered what else that night was.
It was the night before my birthday.
You were brought in on the night before my birthday.
I guess I have Alexander to thank for a great many things, then, since though I know he did not plan it, and while I am sure he did not even remember what the day after was, he was integral to our paths crossing.
I only bring this up because that day is coming again, soon; my birthday is nearing again and that irony is tearing me completely apart.
There will be no gathering this time, though. There will be no grand feast, there will be no welcome home celebration, not for me, at least. The castle and the ball room will be dark.
Something tells me that all of this is nearly over. Even if it is all just in my head...Even if I have dreamed up all of this, even you...I hope that it is all about to be over, because the waiting is killing me. One way or the other...this pain has to end.
I want to see you again, I want to look into your eyes...see whatever I can see...
At least I would know you are real. And alive.
And if there's nothing in your eyes when I see you again?
Well. I guess that will be the truth I need. At least I would have seen you again.
I was not real before you. I was not really alive. I was, at best, invisible.
And I can fade away again just as easily.
What appeared to be pages of a journal were found scattered on the floor of the bedroom assumed to be the room written of in the journal, exact date unknown. The writing was done by hand, referencing often and presumably written to someone named Asai. Some parts are illegible due to the ink being smeared and from what appears to be drops of water. Handwriting and wording indicates it was written by a female.
Name unknown.
 RadiantFlare · Mon Feb 25, 2008 @ 04:24am · 1 Comments |
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