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I was playing a game... Everything was going fine... But... I... I just burst out in tears, crying and crying... I didn't know if I could stop. I just lay down and cried, walked to my room, sobbed, and tried to calm down... It took about thirty minutes to settle down and go upstairs and write this entry... I'm not sure why I broke down... Maybe the game was a change, which most kids with Asperger's don't like... Or maybe it's because it's close to the one-year anniversary of my grandfather's death... Or... Or maybe it's because I didn't take my anti-depressant medication last night....
The tears just won't stop coming... I'm almost blinded by them... I feel horrible... I just want to forget about everything and be happy again... My grades in school are okay, but they could be better... I'm so stupid... I'm crying harder and harder and my heart feels frozen. Even if you try to cheer me up, no sadness as this Lachrymal feeling can be cured... I don't know if I wanna ever breath again... I don't deserve any friends... I don't deserve anything... The children in Russia should get everything I own... I don't deserve any... I... I... I don't know what I'm going to do with my life... So far... I done nothing... I may be a good artist, but so what? I reaaly wish Ribby were still alive... Grampy, too... I'll never be as lonely as I am now... Don't try to make me feel better. As I said, nothing can change the way I feel, even if I do cheer up, I'll never forget when I had to leave Ribby at the vet, sick with kidney failure, lyme disease, and cancer, to go on vacation. I'll never forget when my sister's car broke down while we were on vacation, and how I cried and cried and cried, drooling and sobbing, wailing and snivveling... I'll never forget the day when Grampy's ashes were burried, how my dad looked so sad, so sad that his father was dead. How Grampy took his last breath on the day before Thanksgiving. How my sister cried at the funeral. And how a loss could really shatter my delicate heart... I'll never forget those horrible days... And I'll never forget those better days... It won't make a difference trying to cheer me up... I'll just have to live on those memories, good and bad, and keeping on traveling the road to heaven...


~CL