Now I'm down to no one. Kinda.
Chibi left for a while cause he was getting too attached to me, and when he comes back I know I'm going to be a mess. Already a mess.
My friends came over last night, but I have a feeling it was only because I have the entire house free for the weekend. They left all exhausted and tired cause I fed them one drink. Made me wonder how sucky a hostess they would admit to me that I am.
Griff's basically gone. I did it I'm afraid. Me and my stupidness. He never comes on anymore, and he says it's because he's very busy. Chibi told me how he quit Gaia... must have been after he gave me my doll ears and I was still distant.
I don't know what the hell I"m doing anymore. I've driven everyone off, set myself into a life of solitude, then I cry about it. What the hell is up with that? At least I could take it a little stronger. I cry too much, it's pathetic. You know those black spots under my eyes? THe bags... They aren't from lack of sleep, I sleep more than anyone else I know, they are from sobbing too much. I just let people believe it's their first assumption. I don't tell people when I'm sad... cause that's like every other day. Honestly, who wants to hear that?
I feel safe putting it here... because no one reads thist thing anyway. Chibi did, but he's not here now is he? So no one's gonna read it. Maybe it's better that way.
The other day in the guild we talked about reasons for living. I know I said "family and friends; the ones I love." But I didn't mean that they are my reason to live, they are the reason I am living. Ther's a difference. I live because I gave them my word and if I were to die it would make them sad. I guess. So I am obligated. I have a feeling that if Ketobie reads this he's gonna be all upset and stuff, and I wouldn't blame him.
I'm so paranoid. I honestly believe I am completely messing with people's lives for the worse. Ketobie gets a huge-a** phonebill to talk to me, and I can't feel guilty about it as he says... but I still know that I"m the reason. I read all his journal stuffs from before, I dunno why I got so curious and became like a spy. He was happy before, sort of. Well, his "girlfriend" never cost him 1k in charges I bet.
Which reminds me... I stumbled on her journal. From what it looks like it doesn't even seem like they seperated, and somehow this bothers me. I need to talk to him about that, and he knows I have to talk to him about something, just the matter of actually talking to him about it.
If I drink right now because I'm upset that's bad... right? I am so tempted. Just get piss-a** drunk and pass out. But then I won't get my spanish done. Crap.
I have a feeling I'm not graduating either. God I feel so lost, I don't know what to do... where to turn... who to talk to. No one's here. My parents are gone camping. Just me and the fuzzball taking up most of my bed. And this song really isn't helping much.
"Sometimes it's so crazy that nothing can save me
But it's the only thing that I have. "
>.<
I'm going to have even worse black spots under my eyes now. Oh well. I better just drown myself in work before I do something like drink. I would rather curl up underneath a rock and just sob till I die or something. The ibs depression must have gotten to me as well. Just gotta stop being stupid. Like that's gonna happen. rolleyes
 Silent Flame · Sun May 22, 2005 @ 05:39am · 4 Comments |
