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In my head

in my head, i play back the things in my life that make me happy or have made me happy, even just once or for that instant, to keep myself from trying to hurt myself or others or going out of control. But what does it reall mean to lose control, tell me that? is it when you're at the point where everything breaks down, and crumbles at your feet and you're left to stare at the remains? is it when you're at the point where your rage wells up inside and everything seems like a waste and you want everyone to disappear?


or is it something else? something more sinister than that? something so much more, so much worse and more foreboding that you can ever hope to imagin?


in my head, i play back all the things in my life that made me into the person that i am, a pessimistic a*****e, a careless, thoughtless, hopeless wretch who has no reason to be living in the first place. i relive the horror of every second of bein tortured by my abusive step father, of hearing him fight with my mother, i see the moments when he even went so far as to pull a knife on her and threaten her, and come after me next...when he threatened to cut my fingers off for just trying to help him cook...

i relive every moment of every nightmare that you call a day...of bein teased, of being friendless, alone and sad, of always feeling like an outcast, like no one cared about me, and guess what? no one gave a damn about me, not even my older brothers, or even my younger brother who i always thought i was close to. when i really think about it, not even my teachers cared...they only cared about me doing my work, they didn't bother to ask how i got any bruises, why i always sat by myself during recess or at lunch, or even why i never participated, just homework, homework, homework!


in my head, do you know why i thin about killing myself or hurting myself or why i act the way i do? do you even stop to ask me these questions? if you really were a friend of mine, you'd have asked. and since you didn't, how can you really hope to call yourself my friend? you only now what you see, and assume that's me or how i really am...and you know now why i hate assumptions...bcuz, nothing is how it seems, even more so when it comes to me.


In my head, i think of my lonliness, i remember what it was like to not have friends...to look around at everyone else who was always with a group, or paired up with someone, having fun, and all i had was myself. it wasn't so bad bein alone, because i didn't have to deal with the bullshit that came with having a friend in the first place...but it wasn't so good either, because i felt so out of place, so awkward, so alien, just the way everyone had treated me...


(more comin soon)