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Because I updated my About Me with my new "Oh snaps, that's a lot of text!" styled ranting, I moved my quotes to my journal because people seemed to enjoy them and I'd hate to take them down. This list gets updated regularly, so if you actually give a damn you can check back whenever you feel like it.

Updated: March 24th, 2009

"Crap! I forgot a dollar! ... Wait! I have my Oh-crap-I-forgot-a-dollar dollar in my glove compartment! Sweet!"

"I didn't call you to discuss accidental innuendos... okay, maybe we have time for a few.”

"Patty! They're going to burn me at the stake!"
"I'll bring a bucket of water."
"But what if it's an oil fire?!"
"Then... I'll bring some baking powder?"
*Five seconds later*
"Patty! They're going to stone me!"
"Can't help you there."
(This was me desperately trying to get the school secretary to save me from people who were plotting against me. They wanted me to be the witch in a mock witch trial. I <3 Patty. :3)

“Now I’m totally buying your s**t… his? Not so much.” (My professor agreeing with my point, points for Tamara! I felt kind of bad for the other guy though.)

“You know it’s time to move on when your parents start throwing rotten fruit at you.”

“Now the real question we must be pondering here is: Can we teach an old traveling sales man new insect tricks?” (Reference to “The Metamorphosis” by Franz Kafka”)

“Where’s our president?”
“He’s still in the closet; I don’t think he’ll be coming out anytime soon.” (The start of a long, innuendo filled conversation during a game.)

“Raiders of the Lost Arc! … Wow, I just noticed my typo. I meant “Lost Ark”, not “Arc”, that’s an entire different Indiana Jones Adventure right there.”
“I kind of want to see how that adventure would turn out.”
“It would be frightening beyond measure (behold, a pun!) I mean, seriously… Math Nazis?!” (A typed conversation between my sister and I)

“Did you know that sex hormones help you in maintaining your bone density?”
“God did say that sex was good…”
“Dude, God said sex was great.” (Rehearsals at two in the morning are always fun!)

"Come on, we'll be able to get this over and done with in like... five minutes."
"That's what she said." (My co-worker at a summer camp I worked at… he’s special)

"You squirt me with that stuff one more time and swear I'll..."
"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" (Same guy as the above quote.)

"Did playdoh just get rule 34'd? At a CHRISTIAN CAMP?!"

“Would you rather suffer scarlet fever for a week… or have disco fever for a month?”
“I guess it would depend whether I would survive the scarlet fever.”
“Oh no, my friend, the real question is: Would you survive the disco fever?”

"Well guess what? My dad has one hundred guns and he will shoot you."
"Well my dad's a brain surgeon."
"Oh yeah? Well my dad gave birth to a brain surgeon... wait. Oh God."

"Guess what happened!"
"You got a boyfriend!"
"Even BETTER!"
"You got LAID!?"
". . . this is why I never tell you anything."

"What are you, AIDS? Help! Help! We've got a mass genocide of the white blood cells here!" (at school during a science illustration where we were either red blood cells, white blood cells, or a virus. The teacher heard the instructions wrong and started killing EVERYONE who was a white blood cell. Without really thinking, I yelled this out. Teacher laughed, so it was all good)

"And so they would build a wall, and then another wall outside of that wall, and then they would build ANOTHER wall..."
"They really liked protection, didn't they?"
"No, they just really... really liked walls."

"So what could a variable be in our experiment other than seperating the smokers from the nonsmokers?"
"Half of us shouldn't breathe!"
(in my notebook) "Dear diary... someone died in the lab today."

"What if I told you I was dating you for the experience points?"

"Why!? Why would you punch me in the kidney, you sadist!?"