I just realised I was never a person, just an extension of others. And even being just an extension, almost a parascite depending on their point of view of me, I'm constantly being dropped, neglected or replaced.
I've never felt like a person. Never felt equal among people in existance. Maybe socially, because of my humour and because of my intelligence, but nothing else. No other solid part of me exists equally. I've often just felt like a thing, or something unworthy or below like an animal.
Because of BDSM, I realised I could be liberated from this existance as being oppressive. Even if I am just a thing or an animal, or something below people, at least I could exist proudly and adored and hard-working at that level. At least I could be an extension of someone who would not replace or neglect me, adore me and consider me their favourite, most favoured possession.
I can never say what I'm thinking, though, not really. I always wonder if people will get concerned if I hide away, or if I say something, but whether I make efforts to withdraw or to reach out, I'm always rebuked. If I withdraw I'm ignore, if I reach out I feel like I'm revealing something that won't be appreciated. Mostly because I can't say the whole thing. Because the whole thing will be too 'heavy' for anyone to listen to, to want to understand or appreciate. I know this sounds the epitome of emo, but I'm writing without limits now, I'm cascading. I often cut things sort at the mere thought that someone is reading or hearing. Judging or wrinkling their nose at it. Or even just not caring, or seeing a problem. Or just giving an unhelpful, uninterested 'oh'.
I know it sounds crazy that I think of myself that way, and that it is probably just a case of extreme low-self esteem. But BDSM is also something I've always unquestionally felt, before I could put terms to it. If I question it it feels like I unravel what it is and depreciate it, just like love is technically a mental disorder.
I hate being psychologically aware. Hate it. I have never had anyone else be able to anticipate how I feel for a change, to be considerate enough to sit down and piece by piece sooth me whatever the problem. No one to even touch me when I feel s**t, even just the smallest of gestures. That's often what makes me feel like a thing, too, something dirty that no one really wants to touch.
Sometimes I feel so in need of a master or owner that I can't bear it. It's deep resonating ache in the core of my gut, so deep I couldn't fathom it and often so far away I am merciful I don't feel the unleashed rawness of what it must be. It's so hard to explain, an ache that's been growing and doubling in size. It was the same when my biological dad first got into contact 3 years ago. I had been perfectly numb to families that had fathers, I never felt anything. I never liked stepfathers because I can still remember an abusive one, and they will never be anymore than a longterm boyfriend, even though the current one has been with us for 8 years. But suddenly, I couldn't bear it. Couldn't bare to see children with their aging fathers, laughing and playing in playgrounds. I was furious, raging, bitter, suddenly so aware of what I missed. It never bothered me that I would never have another childhood, but now I would never have a childhood with a father.
Then the first pangs of loneliness, of independence kicking in good and hard and instinctive urges to have a significant other. Now this. Now this desperation, this existance of being otherworldly alone. With no one to sympathise with, no one to even give me a block reassurance. Who the ******** are you supposed to say 'I can't bear being without a master, I feel miserable and depressed and desperate' without getting shock and a reccomendation to therapy? How lucky people are who get to talk to their friends about wanting a boyfriend, but who I am I to say wistfully 'oh I want a master or owner so bad'? Especially when BDSM is just a fetish, not a feeling.
This doesn't help when I have parents who're determined to make me feel isolated. As an only child until only a year ago, so basically still a single child, that didn't help either. I also took to music, politics, criminology, psychology, philosophy and art. I was articulate and not at all like either of them. Trying to talk to them, to have just a conversation, is laughable. I've often been told I patronise them, just with my articulate manner. Not my attitude, not the things I'm saying to them, but the fact I speak the way I speak, am interested in the things I am interested in. And what to I get? Aggression and constant disgusted faces, or just being ignored.
At least they ******** have each other. Who the ******** do I have? Friends who constantly let me down? Parents that constantly make me feel isolated? No matter who many arguments I've mended and stresses I've suffered just to be as perfect as possible, to keep everyone happy and functioning and together, I'm just left like a spare piece.
And now I've got two friends who're hooking up and are undoubtably going to completely push me out of the picture. And everyone who I admire in the BDSM community is owned and so completed and happy. I can't take it anymore.
******** everyone, I wish I never had a caring bone in my ******** body.
Cana Untitled Community Member 
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