My Dear, Beloved Chrys. I haven't heard from you since January this year, and I really miss you. Before I go any further with this, there’s something that’s been bothering me for.. months, at least. I haven’t told you the truth when writing to you over the last 18 months. I feel horrible now, but I have to tell you before anything else. And if you hate me for what I’m going to say next, then you don’t have to waist your time reading the rest of this ‘going-to-be-long’ letter.
I feel horrible for what I’m about to tell you, but.. I’ve been with someone else. While I still said and did love you, I was with someone else. I allowed another person to get behind the wall I before that only allowed you. It was a mistake, I know that now. I regret it, and now I realize you’re the only one for me. I know and understand if you’re going to hate me for this, if you’re never going to look at me again. Or write with me, that is. But, somehow I can’t stop hoping you someday, some way will forgive me. There’s nothing I can do to make my fails disappear. They’ll always be in my baggage, even though I’m forgetting and moving forward now, only.
If you, after reading this still want to know what has happened to me over the last two years, you’re welcome to continue. I started thinking about how I’ve evolved through the time on my Gymnasium, High School. So I’m going to take it in small bites.
First of all, I’m really clumsy. That and the topic ‘Chemistry’s not a well mix. I’m the one in the class that always trips over the adaptors to the laptops, the one getting my foot stuck in the straps of the bags on the floor. The one knocking over the chemicals in Chemistry. But my team-mates just smile at me, petting my head. I think, what I’ve become lately, this third and last year, is the ‘innocent’ clown of the class. I always try and make people smile. I like smiling people. I try and smile as much as I can. I know how a sad face affects me, so I try not to look sad. That’s why I’ve started to smile at all the good things. I smile when the weather’s nice, I smile at silly jokes.. I smile when ever I see an animal I like. That’s what’s keeping my life together lately, with all the homework and things to do.
Along with the clumsiness. I’m no good at dancing at all. I normally just jump around or stay at one place. That’s kind of what I’m doing at that point. I’m too embarrassed to really try and learn, and too scared to admit I need the lecturing. Well, that aside, I like singing, still. No good at that either, I know that but I still try. There’s this one song I really know and think sounds just a tad good to my ears. ‘Chemicals React’. I really love that song, it makes so much sense to me.
I listen to the tune more then the lyrics. That’s why I love almost any kind of music.
Then there’s this old and yet new part of me. My temper. I like pouting about nothing. Depending of course who I’m with at the moment. My family doesn’t like it, and some of my friends either. But with those I trust, I like to start some half-hearted arguments and just end up playing hurt, pouting for some seconds before starting to smile, laughing about it.
I’ve never really had a real argument. I always start crying when someone’s yelling at me. I don’t think it’s healthy not having a real fight. But then again.. I never think I’ve had anyone I’ve cared or trusted enough to raise my voice at. I guess I’m scared for being left behind.
Stubborn. I’m really, really stubborn. When I think I’m right, then no-one can tell me different.
The other side of my temper, the new side, is one I’m not proud of. I’ve begun to act more and more violently. I don’t know why, but whenever I really feel like knocking someone out, feeling at my limit, I take my training shoes and runs off into the forest near my home, finding a quiet place in there and starts punching and kicking some innocent trees. I’m really bad at hitting correctly, so most of the time I’m covered with small wounds and bruises. It doesn’t bother me one bit, it just reminds me what I’m going to do next time I feel so restless I just have to do something.
Lately I’ve changed a habit of mine. I’ve begun to walk at least 7km pr day, 4 every day to and from school and then either running 3 kilometres or walking 5 or 7. It helps me a lot. I don’t know if you remember, but I’ve never liked my looks. I’ve always been too big and too short and just all wrong put together. Now, these last 7 weeks, I feel like I’ve lost some weight as well. It’s a good habit, walking and running that is. And another part I’ve changed is who I’m running with. I’m taking along the neighbours dogs, they happen to push me just a bit longer then I would push myself. One of the good things is that I’ve lost weight. Maybe not on the scale, but I can clearly see my collarbones now. I love that part of my body the most now. I stopped wearing necklaces because they made it all look.. well, not as visible.
I’m also being a lot more spontaneous. This Friday, when there were City Night, I suddenly found myself at my Jeweller, getting a third piercing in my ear. I only remember the stinging from the rest of the night and the quite beautiful outcome. Along that night came my first series of Manga and I ended up today to use around 50£ on books from the internet! I feel so stupid now. sweatdrop But I like mangas, and having them on the shelves’ no bad thing. At all. So I am, really spontaneous lately. I like that part. Well, one place it gets to my nerves.. the bus station waiting for my ride. I sometime burst into singing, take some steps around and the AFTER notice that people are looking at me strangely. I always blush deeply and try to hide behind my hair. That’s where I’m trying to hide when ever I’m not feeling like smiling. That’s my way to try and look happy most of the time. No one seems to notice that that’s the point behind it. That’s a nice thing. When people ask ‘what’s the matter’, I normally looks really sad. I noticed that at home, when my mother asked me. I could see it in the mirror.
My biggest fear.. at the moment, that’s a simple question. I’m trying not to think about it, but on the cold nights, when the winds howling and I simply can’t sleep. That’s when I think.. what if.. you stop loving me? That it was only a silly crush between teenagers; that you have moved on, finding someone else. I know it probably would be the best but that doesn’t stop me from fearing it.
In the end, I just want to explain why I’m sending this – and why I’m placing it somewhere for.. well, everyone to see. Well, the first one’s simple. The other day I started reading Twilight. I know, it sucks as a film, but the book is wonderful. It made me laugh and realize some things about myself. That’s why I thought it would be a good idea and try and show to you what I am, what I’ve become. What I’ve changed into. I want you to know me, to have someone to know what’s beneath the surface.
To the second one.. this is probably the only place you’ll be able to see. My journal’s open to anyone, so even if you use a mule account, you will be able to find this, if you look for it, that is. And I want to believe that I am doing something for you. Or, us, what ever you’ll call it.
Dear, beloved Chrys. If you reach this one before I can update it, please wait for the rest. It’s late and I have to go to bed now. I really, truly love you, and I’m sorry if I in any way have caused any harm to you or Little Lou. I love both of you, and I’ll do what ever in my power to help and support you. Please take care, both of you. ‘Till we talk again. Or, hopefully, until we see each other.
Yours forever and ever,
Louise
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