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(Changes and frailties...)

Here I am...changing again. I went from so busy I never had time to remember my name...to having time. Too much time. All this time to focus and feel the distance of my heart. Had I forgotten? Was I dreaming? I wondered why I was hurting all the time. Then it came back to me...my heart is not here with me. My heart...it's over there. All the way across country feeling crushed and left alone. I gave it away a long time ago, to a deserving person.

So after the swirls of poison mist have cleared, and I've awoke from the bed of nails (read previous journal entries to understand), I look at myself and cringe at my weaknesses. I've had nothing but time to listen to my heart ache and whine...nothing but time to be lonely and cry out for someone who barely even hears me right now. I've lost so many people in the last few weeks, I'm not sure I could stand to lose another. I realized my commitment never failed...it altered a bit but it's the kind of person I am to never give up, to never stop. I never stopped being that person. I've never abandoned, and I've never left alone.

I've asked to be waited for. I've asked for love and support. I've given all I had, but perhaps my pleas and efforts were too silent. Have you ever felt like the background guy? I give and I love, but it seems like it's always behind the scenes. Sending messages of love and support, giving gifts, spending time. Sometimes you need to be more direct. Funny coming from me, huh? Maybe this whole time I've been too diplomatic with my feelings.

You know what? Somewhere underneath my strength and loyalty...maybe I am jealous. Maybe I am a little possessive, or at least I want to be. I still don't want to ruin or complicate your life, but...can I at least be a part of it? Can I count more than I do? Do my efforts mean much? These questions and thoughts will torment me as I seek to rise from the ashes. I want to be different, it is time to change. I have been a nice guy too long, and nice guys finish last. Mark my words, I am going to claim what is mine.