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Phoned Jas.

"Jas."

"Oh hi, Gee."

"Why didn't you phone me?"

"You're phoning me. I would have got the engaged tone."

"Jas, please don't annoy me. I've only been speaking to you for two seconds."

"I'm not annoying you."

"Wrong"

"Well, I've only said about two words to you."

"That's enough."

Silence

"Jas."

Silence

"Jas, what are you doing?"

"I'm not annoying you."

She drives me to the brink of madosity. Still, I reall needed to speak to her so I went on,"It''s really crap at home. I almost wish I hadn't been banned from school. How was Stalag fourteen? Any goss?"

"No, just the usual. Nauseating P. Green smashed a chair to smithereens and back."

"Really?! Was she fighting with it?"

"No, she was sitting on it having her lunch. It was the jumbo-sized Mars bar that did it. Everyone was killing themselves laughing. The bummer twins started singing 'Who ate all the pies' to her, but Slim, our beloved head mistress, heard them and gave us a lectrue about mocking the unfortunate."

"Were her chins going all jelloid?"

"Yeah. In fact, it was Chin City."

"Fantastic. Are you all missing me? Did anyone talk about me or anything?"

"No, not really."

Charming. Jas has a lot of good qualities though, qualities you need in a bestes pal. Qualities like, for instance, going out with the brother of the Sex God. I said, "Has hunky, I mean, Tom, mentioned anything that Robbie has said about me?"

"Erm... let me think."

Then there was this slurp-slurp noise.

She was making slurping noises.

"Jas, what are you eating?"

"I'm sucking on my pen top so I can think better."

Sacre bloody bleu, I have got le idiot for a pal. Forty-nine centuries of pen sucking later she said, "No, he hasn't said anything."