29th August, 2010
How am I supposed to feel, when the world around me only appears to be crumbling? Once upon a time I had wings. Foolishly, I let one borrow them, but not only did he toss them out of reach, but he never bothered to try and hold onto them, never bothered to try and get them back to me! I was once an angel, as some put it, who had fallen from heaven and was forced to climb the ladder back into the skies. I skinned my knees and grazed my hands, even slipped and fell again as everyone does. But I was lucky. Even with makeshift wings I managed to find my place again, on the edge of that same cloud, looking down into the bottomless pit that was consuming me. I was lucky I got out before it was much too late.
But, by no means was it easy, and by no means am I myself. I was taught a valuable lesson, and learned to open my eyes...just, not enough. The same problem arose, but in a different manner, and once again I was blinded by sugar coated words. I fell in love with the consistency that was offered, the compliments and the general lift of happiness I experienced. For once, I felt as if I had gotten something out of all my turmoil and hard word. Sadly, I was just being goaded on. He gave me his wings...and then cut them down to spite me. And yet again I tumbled, but I was able to catch myself before I hit rock bottom again. Bruised and bleeding, not quite broken, I was left confused and hurt. I was left to think it was my fault. He left without a word, and I still do not know how to feel. Should I be angry, should I feel guilty, maybe disappointed? All I know is that my body is numb. But, I refuse to linger. It hurts more than the first time, but, slowly, I'm pulling myself back up that ladder towards those gorgeous blue skies I had fallen from twice now.
And yet, what have I learned? The same problems arise in different forms. I've learned that they all say things you want to hear. Their words are twisted, and they're not who you think they are. Trust doesn't even come into the picture. Not anymore. It's live or die...nothing but survival.
