Silence the child or put it on a leash...
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There is no better way to actually put this; I'm ******** emo right now....wait, there is a better way.
I am in a depressive state of mind that not many can pull me out of. Because I have really no where else to write, let alone having my own journal in real life, I'm forced to write(actually type) on a shitty blog on a website that has little of my interest anymore. I think I come on here for the subconscious sake of actually finding friends, but realizing that they're all underage twits that have not even begun to scrape the surface of reality well enough and when it does give them that might punch in the solar plexus, it's going to hurt so hard. You will scream, you will cry in pain. Maybe even vomit at such force and bleed from your rectum, but that's just my hopes and dreams.
I'm glad that I matured early, so I wouldn't have to suffer through the classic, yet ever so annoying, angst teen age time. I was removed from high school at 17. I was forced to get my GED as well as holding up a part time job at the same time. I had to pay bills, I had to get a car, I had to do this, this, and that. And when I was in high school, I wasn't happy anyways, I had few friends, gossip was hellish, the teachers sucked, and I didn't learn anything. When I did what I did to escape from high school, at first, I regretted it, but at the same time, I was so happy because I knew if I stayed there any longer, my hopes and dreams, my little fantasies, that I wrote down on that paper, were going to become a reality. And I didn't feel like going to jail either.
So I became an adult faster than even my parents expected. It literally ******** with my mind. I wasn't sure whom or what I was for I was still stuck in the mainstream teenage/childhood time where all you focus on is games, greatest top 10 hits of this week, and trying to avoid chores at home. Whereas, at the same time, I had to do adult like things and uphold a tight nit responsibility. s**t like that will screw with your mind to such levels that it will affect your body, and how you think. I became nothing more than another twisted and ******** up being from the inside out. I gained and lost weight to unhealthy levels, I did things to my body to gain attention that I needed, my friends in high school didn't write, and I was forced to move out in the country side.
I think the only thing that got me through all of this was keeping my sanity was the internet. It is the access to the world and I loved it. That and games were a big help.
I met friends that were mature, and unknowingly, probably; sick, twisted, diluted, freaks, but what am I to say such things like that. I was one of them. Looking at porn, reading things on /b/, and commenting profiles on people I had no idea who they were. I felt almost like a god, no one knew who I was, but I knew that deep down inside, whatever I said, good or bad, affected them. Mostly children, and it was fun commenting on their shitty attention whore like images.
So far, I only have two friends left, and they're the only two friends I probably have left. One lives in Michigan and the other lives in Florida. I just want to tell them both;
I'm saving up to see you two. It's going to be a b***h, but you guys helped me out through thick and thin. Congrats, you changed a life. Weather it was good or bad is still unseen, but I would like to thank you in person...
Love,
Sydney
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Before I kick it in the face...
