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....::sigh:: I hate myself, lots now. Mostly because of the whole "Josh Thing", which end result is exactly that of Shadows demise in my life. I loved, and now they're gone, and now I feel empty inside. Lost, empty, fustrated, confused, and stuck dreaming of the good old days. I miss those days. Why do I always dwell on things that don't exist anymore? Its like a sickness to me...I'm so damn pathetic. Its like...why the ******** did you screw s**t up in the first place if you knew it would hurt like this now?

...I blame myself for losing Josh. Its all my fault. Its what I ******** get for not shutting up and just listening to what my boyfriend had to say. He didnt' like me talkign to other guys, so I shouldn't of talked to any boy...especially the one he hated the most---Isaac. I'm so ******** stupid. I wanted to experiance life and this is what I get. I deserve to die. I deserve to suffer far more than I already am. I hope I die. I hope I die the most agonizing death for being nothign but a stupid b***h. I shoulda just shut the ******** up, I shoulda just been obiediant. I hope I die. I will make everything happen in the event that I'll die. Its what I deserve. I'm a bad person.



...I got sad. I couldnt' help it...I keep saying I wont do it anymroe...but in the end I just can't help myself. Its so addictive...like a drug to make all the hurt go away. I won't promise anyone I won't cut anymore...because then I'll just be lieing again.