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I feel so awkward right now. I tried talking to HIM again. I'm getting better at feigning indifference. I'm also getting better at not suffering from anxiety every moment I am talking to him. Which is a good thing, really. I'm glad it doesn't hurt like it use to... but it feels so hallow when we talk. Nothing is ever really said, and I can't help but feel the need to say something. I yearn for a heart to heart... not to rekindle the friendship, but I need closure, closure and certainty. I need to know that we're at least cool. I know he'd probably say, well we're talking aren't we? But we're not. Or at least it doesn't have the feel of a real conversation. I feel like a drone, spitting out preconcieved answers. There's no emotion between us. Not even vague animosity. Just indifference. It's steril, there's no other way to describe it. Steril.
I suppose I should be happy, after all steril doesn't hurt. It doesn't shatter your heart and carve it out one piece at a time. But it's in human. It's cold. I'm not so good with cold. I'm not so good with empty either. Perhaps it just needs more time. Perhaps he just needs more space. It's been two well over two months though since we've had an honest conversation. I haven't told him any of my feelings Since November when it all ended. I haven't seen him since August when he left. I know I need to be patient, but if he doesn't really care about me, then why should I have to box my feelings in so that he can feel comfortable. I hate feeling so lethargic.

Anyways just me venting since there's no one to vent to at the moment. I don't think anyone really reads this often enough to notice it while it matters anyways.