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Lessons from Candle:

Anything on the floor is mine. If it is not on the floor and I want it there, I will move it there. You may move it back if it so pleases you, but I'll just make sure it is back on the floor if I so wish it.

Anything I want to sit on, I will.

Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

After dark, all cats are jaguars.

And God said, 'Thou shalt have dominion over all the beasts of the earth...except, of course, for cats'. I like that.

When I want attention, the best thing for you would be to give it. When I do not want attention, the best thing you can do is to go and get the treats.

Anything not nailed down is a toy. Everything else is a to be laid upon as I see fit and be told how adorable I am for doing it.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet- will be.

Bastet's Paradox: Every cat is the center of the universe. But Candle is at the center of every cat's universe. Think about it.

Because I can. And I want to. And cause you are right: I am damned cute.

Here's the only computer prompt that matters: C:pet C:petcat C:petcatignorehuman

A cat at rest will tend to stay at rest unless acted upon by an outside food. Or tummy rubs, for they are nice.

Blame the door, not me for wanting on the other side of it. It is not that I'm on the wrong side of the door, but that the door is on the wrong side of ME.

I am the visible soul of love.

Cats are intended to teach you that not everything in nature has a function; however, people do. People are to pet on me, give me treats, and love, and make ready their laps for when I decide to grace them with my presence.

Cats are Murphy's way of saying "Nice furniture!"

I puckie cause I care.

Cats are nature's response to orderliness. I have a lot of fun with that one, too.

We are not baby substitutes, babies are cat substitutes. But not as fun, as cute, or as petable.

I don't ask. I take.

I don't get into mischief. I AM mischief.

Candle: furry keyboard cover and alarm clock when necessary. I am helping you by keeping your things warm, and you should thank me for it.

I have simple tastes- the best is satisfactory.

I know your every thought. I don't care most of the time, but I know.

I will take my half of the bed out of the middle.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for we are subtle and will piddle on your computer. Though I would never pee on anything, I much prefer depositing my hairballs where you least expect them. Puckie on your keyboard, or face, or Witch Hunter Robin DVDs...

Dogs come when called. We take a message and get back to you.

Dogs think they're human. We wouldn't stoop that low.

Don't be surprised that my Person loves me the most. I love her more then any human can and show it daily; hourly, even.

Every dog has his day...the nights belong to us cats.

By the time you hear me, I am already on your head.

My Person is a proud Graduate of the Cat School of Excuses: "I meant to do that...but there was a nap that needed to be had."

My place is in the middle of your back at 4 AM. Or on your chest with my tail on your face.

I know my Person loves me because she would get rid of the kids if I was allergic to them; however, I know she really really loves me because she wants me more then she ever wants children.

I was a cat in my other eight lives; now I am Goddess.

If you want the best seat in the house, ask me nicely and I MIGHT be willing to give it up to you.

If you're allergic to cats, stay away from me...and maybe I'll rub against your legs anyway.

It's a cat thing- you wouldn't understand.

IT's HARd to tYpe wHILe holdINf a Cat. It's even harder to not laugh as she tries.

It's really my house- my Person just pays the rent.

May the great galactic kitten always purr you to sleep.

Most people with cats know they're being controlled...that's the niftyness of it.

My species domesticated your species. *Insert picture of Candle on Flare's head*

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

No costume is complete without cat hair.

Purring is the sound of me manufacturing cuteness. Belly rubs add to production, as does hearing how pretty and cute I am. Treats are good incentive to amp production as well.

Sneak sneak sneak sneak sneak sneak POUNCE!

Stealth stealth stealth stealth stealth stealth stealth stealth WHAP!

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats.

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

Thousands of years ago, the Egyptians worshipped cats. Cats have never forgotten this.

Don't be sad that I am prettier then you are. It's just the way things are. Life is unfair like that.

Do not waste your life with anger and hatred. Pet a cat, instead.

To me, "NO!" means "Not while I'm looking."

What part of ME-WOW didn't you understand?

Whatever you're doing, it's not as important as petting me.

Why is the door always on the wrong side of me?

I am not a narcissistic personality in a fur coat. I just know that I am wonderful and I know you know it, too.

My Person has a contract with me. She feeds the Candle, and the Candle lets her.

Reality is a hairball in the catnap of life.

You don't need to have a cat to be a writer. But it's tons more fun to have me around to bap your pens about.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Cats are poetry in motion. Dogs are gibberish in high gear.

Kittens: self-propelled dewy-eyed barbed wire in a mohair sweater.

When I feel nauseous I think, "I hope I can make it to the couch."

Person is supervised by me.

Sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, wiggle rear-end, sneak, sneak, sneak...POUNCE! Ninjas have nothing on me.

If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will?

"If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat." Thank you, Mark Twain.

A purr is a snore made beautiful.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down. Anything nailed down is to be slept upon. Anything I can set my fuzzy butt on is mine. Hence, all things are mine.

The Cat Philosophy of Life: If you can't Eat it or Shred it, then Sleep on it.

I am not a "pet." I am "best friend and confidante."

Cats don't want to own people. We prefer to lease with an option until we find a keeper.

We keep our claws sharp because we know that just a purr may not be enough.

Mankind is the result of millions of years of evolution designed to produce a better Cat Servant.

We humor humans because we know that our ancestors ate yours.

Dogs think men are gods. Cats are not so easily deluded.

My person knows that the most interesting thing on the TV is me sleeping on it.

We prove that you don't need money to get love.

To us, most people are just furniture that does tricks, fetch us milk, or have handy thumbs.

Cats make great pets. Out of their owners.

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life- music and cats." Well said, Albert Schweitzer.

The four Cat Food Groups: Dry, Canned, Natural, Yours. Which can all fall into the major heading of Mine.

"Because I can" is the best answer to everything.

Cat people are generally not conformists. How could they be, with a cat running their lives?

We are roommates, equals. Superiors. Dogs are kids. And creatures to bap at, sometimes to chase. Depends on the mood. All the ones I have ever had were just toys that smelled funny and did a lot of nothing useful.

We cats are smarter than dogs. You won't get eight cats to pull a sled. You can, however, sit us in one and pull us about. That sounds nice.

Cats don't ask. Cats take. Did I mention that already? Because it is important.

My name is "I love you, darling little creature. Good kitty!" What's yours?

Life is good when you have one of us around.

You are no one until you have been ignored by one of us.

I love my Person. She lets me get away with murder.

I knew she loved me when she turned down KoRn to hear me purr.

Why would anyone consider humans superior? We love you no matter what you look like, no matter what you do wrong, and we not only do not make irrational judgements on you, but we accept you as you are, in your imperfect entirety. All we ask for is to be fed, given pets when asked, and to be allowed to sit where we please. How many humans can claim to ask for so little but give so much?

Cats are love. But Candle is even better.