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It's so odd. Have you ever had those days where everything is surreal and it's difficult to tell if you're dreaming or not? It feels like I'm having a lot of those days. Or it feels like everything that actually happens over the course of one day, but it feels like it happens over the course of several. I'm usually tired, so maybe that could account for something.
I don't really know why I feel compelled to type this, to write this for so many people to see. Maybe it's because of all the people that are on gaia, very few actually know me as a person, in real life. It's interesting how I find that it's so much easier speaking to a person you've never actually seen outside of the computer, and yet, talking to people on a day-to-day basis and saying things that matter, things that aren't inane or pointless or petty, things that aren't a lie. You don't have to pretend to be something you aren't, but, at the same time, you can be anything you want.
Everyone walks around with a mask over their faces, hiding who they are, what they've been through. There are so many people that walk around, they seem alright, but inside they're scarred, and wounded. Maybe even on the outside. I've seen alot of people like that. Hell, I don't know why I'm even bothering to write this. It's not like it'll matter to someone.
It's hard, getting through the days, sometimes, because some days, the mask you wear to hide yourself is really thin and you can feel your true face breaking to the surface, and the freshness on your face is refreshing, but then, you're scared because you don't want the people you may be friends with to push you away, to hate you for the parts that they don't know. It's funny, I spend so much time trying to hide myself, I don't even realize how much I depend on a barrier of violence I keep between myself and others.
To be honest, people frighten me, males in particular. I'm fairly certain you can guess why. Abusive childhood, and all that. I'm not going into detail. I don't trust most guys, and the ones I do trust I'm always cautious with...except with the males I meet over the net. It's kind of redundant, in a way, actually in a probability, less safe, but it's like I don't care.
In real life, I pretend to be a badass b***h with a bad attitude and a short temper. In truth, that's only a part of me. I change who I am depending on where I am, and what I need to be. It's sad, a classic tale of a person who has to 'find themself'. Hells, I don't have time for that, I'm too busy trying to keep myself from falling apart. People look at me sometimes, and are afraid of me, because of many things, mainly because of the '********' look I give people who annoy me. I don't like hurting people. I actually hate it.
Don't get me wrong, if I have to, I can easily disable someone, has to do with that abusive past I was referring to. I'm always scared to let people see what I really am, for fear I am nothing, or they'll see too much and push away because of what little choice I had in the shaping of my character. I'm wasting more time and energy trying to keep things together and keep myself from snapping or breaking or shattering, that I'm starting to fail classes in school.
Everyone tells me that this year should be easier for me, that the grief should be lessened now. It'll be 16 months after my brother's suicide tomorrow. Here's a little secret; grief doesn't just go away after a year. If anything, it got worse for me. And I am finding it so hard not to be angry with my dad or my mom or my brother. It's hard not blaming myself. There's no reason I should be blaming myself, but I do blame my father. I don't know why, I just do.
And I don't even know why I'm saying any of this crap and blather. I have no ********' idea why I'm saying these things, all I know is that I'm pissed off and I have no reason to be. But at the same time I do. GAH scream This is getting stupid. I'm just going to shut up now.
 crypticxguide · Mon Feb 19, 2007 @ 04:33am · 2 Comments |
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