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sweatdrop I really didn't want to do it in the first place...I knew that I wouldn't be very good at it...but I just can't ever say 'no'...especially to him..especially to this. They needed someone, and that someone happened to be me. I like most of the people who have started coming. In fact I have a small crush on a couple. But nothing will come out of those crushes because...well...I'll not say anymore. Fact of the matter is, I am engaged, and although he says its OK, I still feel odd...but I degress. I didn't want to be in the position in the first place...But as I said, they needed me. The group needed me bad. The campus, I'm sure, thinks we are a joke, and nothing more than a dating service.

Now I have so much to do...well, so much I should be doing...but I'm not. I keep procrastinating because frankly I just don't want to do the damn work. I care about these people, but apparently not enough to go that extra couple of feet. Writing a letter isn't difficult, but, I just don't want to. I like having time to play, but I play by myself.

I really don't have any friends...and thats not good. I need to get out. I need to force myself to get out. I have overcome some of my anxiety, but it is still there. And it hurts. I don't know WHY I have these anxieties...I KNOW nothing bad will happen to me...but still. I just wish it would STOP! I'm too good sometimes. I worry about not being good enough, but I know I'm the best thing that has come along in a while for this group. I can't handle all the pressure. This is what vice presidents are for...but I can't ask him...he's much to busy himself, what with being an RA and all. We all are busy. And I don't really get much support. I greatly dislike being literally thrown into something without knowing how to swim! I am barely treading water and I'm getting really tired really quickly. And of course, to top it off, I'm not the type of person who can ask for help. When I DO, I feel like I'm being petty and whiny and lazy. I feel like I'm giving all the work to someone else. I am having issues just getting people to volunteer their time, but I'm putting forth all of my time...well, not ALL of it...I mean, I have found time (a whole 2 hours these last 2 weeks) to get on here...and a lot of time on W.O.W. Which I need to stop, because I do have classwork to do, and I just had a test and if I didn't do good on that, then I need to REALLY get my butt in gear. Besides, I can't ask him for help. I asked him to send me the corrections for the constitution so that I could send them out with the minutes...haven't seen them yet. That was a couple of Wednesdays ago.

I'm just glad I have found a place to vent that hardly anyone goes to. I want to type in this thing a bit more often, but I find my self too lazy to care. I really don't. I mean, I DO, but not so much that I am overtly stressing over it. I'm in what my fiance calls "Stress Nirvana". This is the point that you are SO stressed out, that you can't even feel it and you don't care about anything. It feels as if the whole world has been lifted off you shoulders...but give it a couple of days...especially right before a major exam...you'll feel it again. Either then, or when your body bites its thumb at you and gets sick. I need to start eating better. I get money, and what do I do? Spend it on Taco Bell because thats what my fiance wants. And I spend it on KFC (the mashed potato bowl)...which isn't that bad for you considering its got almost my entire day of nutrients in it at one time. But still, the grease isn't good for you ever.

I need a friend. A female friend. I've had enough male friends. I need a female friend. But I can't get one. I don't feel comfortable enough around females. Hell, I haven't really felt comfortable around males either... I like being by myself...but it does get really lonely at times...I'd like to go 'hang out', but I can't. I tend to begin fairly happy, but then I get REALLY depressed and I hate it because I don't know WHY it happens. I have tried going through all of my memories to see if there could possibly be a reason for my adversion to hanging out, but I can't seem to find one.

Maybe I'm just not used to it, so I don't know what to do...that and whenever I do hang out, its with a group of people who all know each other and who are all more interesting than me. I'll go out with a group, but then end up being the person walking behind the group and not talking anymore because I have been pretty much left out of the conversation...it sounds petty to me...petty and whiny and selfish. But, eh...thats kinda what it feels like. I'll even hang out with one person...like I went to the movies with a friend last year...it was great fun, but thankfully it was a movie because then I don't have to talk.

I find it hard to discuss anything with anyone. I'm a fairly closed up person. It takes a while before I will really open up and even then its only by a tiny bit. I guess thats why people go there on first dates...its a nice break so that you can try to think of something 'cool' to say while the movie is playing. A little less stress on having to entertain the person you asked out for the date.

I need to get in better health. Part of why I don't care about anything right now is the fact that I have gained so much weight. And no, I am not just saying "I'm fat" because I'm a normal female. No, I have seriously gained a lot of weight. I've always been fairly chunky. Actually, I'm about 5'4" and I USED to weigh the fairly normal 135lbs. That is in the healthy weight range for a 21 year old at that heighth. Now....I'm definitely overweight and I believe borderline obese. I'm about 165 now. 25 pounds over the healthy weight for my age and heighth. And I feel UGLY!

This past week I had my period so it made it even worse...and the zits decided to come out even MORE this time...damn hormones. My clothes don't fit right, and I feel sluggish and tired. I sit on my butt all day, if not at home then at school, and if I have to walk, I get winded easily. I get tired too easy when I have to stand up, and I feel claustrophobic around people.

I need to help myself..but it goes back to me being lazy...that and I am afraid of hurting myself by exercising wrong. I don't want to go to the gym at school, because I really hate those machines...I feel like I am getting ready for sex or something when I'm on some of them, and the others I just can't do. I got a couple of kickboxing DVDs, so hopefully those will help my get into a little bit of shape so that I can go to the gym later and not feel so stupid. I also got a jump rope...I used to love jumping rope. I couldn't do it for more than 10 minutes! That pissed me off the most. I was going to go for 30 minutes. Then I got started and decided that 15 minutes was good as long as I got my heart rate up..I mean, heck, thats the length of the classes at the gym. But again...its hard for me to start...I need to lose it by April though...no matter what. It's my mother's wedding. Besides, I don't want her to look at me and ask me if I'm pregnant too. Lots of people ask me that...I've started saying yes because I want to hide my embarassment of being overweight.

OK...I think I'm done rambling for now...feel free to comment or what-have-you..but please be nice about it. sweatdrop xp sweatdrop