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A notice to those who read.
I am approaching 100,000 posts. Currently I am at 99,830. In no time I shall reach my goal. Upon reaching that goal I am going to make a decision: Cut my gaia usage, or just quit completely. (Perhaps a few months that I have yet to decide)
Why?
Gaia has been a gift and a curse. I met some of the nicest people here, some people that I would like to meet one day. I have also built stronger friendships with my real life friends here, since it is hard to get into contact with him otherwise. Though recently Gaia has become a curse. I lost the one I love to a user here. He threw everything of his life with me out the window to start a new life with someone he barely knows. I oppose this with every fiber of my being, and will oppose until the day I die, or kill myself.
I cannot help but feel I am the cause for most of the goings on these days. I pushed Raymond to leave me, with my abuse. But I never acted alone. He inflicted some of the nastiest emotional and mental abuse on the planet. Even the strongest willed person can hold out for so long. But regardless, I did it, I hurt him, he hurt me, and he ultimately fell out of love with me and into the arms of the first person to say "I like you". Thats what makes me sick to my stomach this very day. I have to live with that. I have to live with him being there, doing things with her that he once did with me. I have to live with knowing I hurt him, and I would do anything to make that go away, because I do still love him as much as I did three years ago. And that will never go away.
Yes. It is all my fault there is tension. So I will just leave. I already started cutting again, maybe I'll grow a backbone and cut a vital vein. I don't see the reason to live anymore. I've caused too many problems for too many people and why should I just sit here and make things worse? Because I will always make things worse with me being here. I want Raymond back with all my heart. I want him to see that I still love him and that I will never hurt him again. It kills me knowing where he is. And most of all, he doesn't care what he is doing to me. He wants to be my friend, and he treats his friends like s**t. I don't want to be treated like s**t. But I am already.
I can't take it. I really can't. There are times where I just zone out and think of nothing, then suddenly snap back into reality and have everything wash onto me again. I have dreams in which Raymond is in every single one of them. It hurts so much to wake up and see that he is no longer there for me.
People have told me to go and date someone else, just to test if my feelings for Raymond will get stronger, or fade. But where do I start? No guy likes me. No guy would even be interested on going somewhere with me, as a friend. The only guy friend I have now has a girlfriend. But hes only my friend, and will remain so. I don't have any other male friends. All I have is the internet, and I'm scared of falling for another person online.
Sometimes I wish someone would just put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. Blow my head clean off. I wouldn't know what hit me. There is no such thing as a happy ending. Only to be continued.
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