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I'm a stupid c**t, thats why I'm about to play traffic ballet later on today.
I still wish I was dead to be quite honest, I'm sick of waking up every ******** morning. I'm tired of swinging my arm over the side of the bed and touching nothing. And these dreams of happy times with Raymond, are nothing but dreams and it is really starting to get to my head.
If I say I care, he'll call me a b***h. If I say I love him, he'll call me a c**t. If I say I hate him, he'll still call me a c**t. No matter what I do it will yield the same result. So why not be a stupid c**t and hurt myself? =/ Shutup. I just don't give a ******** damn anymore.
I love my friends, I love my family, and I love Raymond. But you know what, none of you knows what goes on in my head 99% of the day. I hate this feeling that my heart is being thrown about in my chest. It hurts, literally. Maybe this is what Raymond's chest pain felt like. I doubt he has it anymore, since he is with someone else. But he said he always got it when he was away from me. Or something along those lines.
I really have no clue what I am going to do with myself. I honestly feel like throwing everything away and becoming some sort of druggie, or hooker, or something. But I'm not pretty enough to be anything of the sort. Or at least sexually attractive.
Yeah, everyone can just sit by and watch me go down furthure into my black hole. It takes a long time before I am actually in there all the way. Figuratively speaking, i am only a foot in. I can still get out, but I'm a stupid c**t and choose not to.
I should be hearing Digimon in the other room right now, or Raymond still sleeping. Not silence. And not the errie cleanness.
If I make it back ok, get mad and tell me go to out there again tomorrow and do it right.
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