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There's no use lying, and theres no use with me dancing around the situation. Yes, I am depressed, more than I ever felt in my life. Why?
I got arrested last night.
Some people already know why I got arrested, and I'd rather not say my exact charges on here. I'll lose friends that way.
It was the single most traumatic expirence of my life. Yet oddly enough, few people really cared when I told them. Which kinda made it look pretty lame.
I'm sorry, but I think being put in a holding cell with several older women who are very vulgar and all over horrible is pretty traumatic. I had to undress in front of people as well as get strip searched several times. I got death threats from inmates just because I finally got bailed out right after I got to my cell dorm (about 6 hours later). It took another 3 hours just to get out. So around 5:00am I got home.
Oh, but thats not all.
Raymond is moving to AR for a while. My worst fears have been made into reality. Not only is he moving out, but it is over 1000 miles away, and near a person he cares a lot for. Most likely rivialing me. Which is most likely true since a lot has happened between us.
I can say this though. I love Raymond more than anyone in the world. It took going to jail to see that. And you know what, I'm still really really upset that someone told him to go to the police department.
I ******** need a therapist now.
I have to go to all these ******** places, and I have court on Thursday morning. My pain is only begining.
I honestly want to kill myself. And with Raymond leaving Friday, there will really be no one to stop me. Raymond promises me that he will return to me before graduation. But I'm scared. He wants to start over with me, but with him over 1000 miles away that may be hard. He might fall in love with someone. And I'm scared on who that might be. Or it can be someone completely different.
But it doesn't matter how I feel. It never really mattered in the first place.
I'm a horrible person inside and out, and I deserve everything that comes my way. I just wish death was a part of it. I can't keep going. Especially if Raymond isn't there. But he needs to do this, and I gave him all my money so he can buy a plane ticket. That had to be the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I do love him. I really do. I don't want him to be with anyone else, and I don't want him to hate me. He still cares about me and I want that love to return more than anything. I'll give up anything, Gaia, school, anything just so that he can love me again.
I'm also giving up a lot as it is. Promises that have been made for certain important days. Its like I'm letting him go...but it just can't be that way. He says he will call me, email me, talk to me online, and write to me. But regardless I am still scared.
I will be scared from the moment he leaves the car. And I will only be happy when he returns.
I just hope this trip will open Raymond up to the real world. Hopefully he'll save some money, buy a car and drive home.
I just want him to come home to me.
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Community Member
I wish I could help sad heart