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I am here on college campus and now I'm having not only the time of my life here, I'm also having a hell of a time trying to pay off my debts to the school. It sucks! What's even worse my mother feels like s**t, my father doesn't seem to be showing much love or effort coming her way, and my brother is not making things any easier. It sucks that my brother won't even listen to what she has to say and I'm starting to think that she needs to see a personal counselor immediately. But we just can't afford that right now, since Christmas is coming up. She also confided in me that my father never really wanted any kids but my mother had the two of us anyway and my father hasn't seemed to bother helping out with our rearing.
I feel horrible being over here when it's obvious that my mother still needs me at home. She wants my Dad to move outta the house with John and try to raise my brother on his own for a while. Either that or kick John to the curb as soon as he graduates from High School. But I don't know if that will even happen, he seems to have made his room his personal holdup so he can stay. I'm just sick and tired of John doing this to my mother and father's relationship. I'm also sick of feeling like my father is running away from his responibilities, I'm not sure how he feels about having kids anymore but I feel like now, that he never would've had kids if he could've helped it. I'm also sick of feeling so useless to the ones I love the most: my family.
I want my father to quite being in that club of his because he is home even less than when he was at work, I want him to spend more time with my mother alone, I also want him to try to make my mother feel important in his life. I feel that if he doesn't then my mother might do something drastic or stupid, like running away like her mother did.
I want my mother to have the help she needs to be happy with my dad and brother. I want her to be able to not feel like she has to depend on a bunch of tapes and have someone else besides her family to tell her she is a strong and wonderful person, even if she does have problems she can at least know that I think she did a great job of raising me and my little brother practically by herself. Even if my brother did turn out to be a brat in the end.
I want nothing from my brother except his word that he will try his best to grow up to be a good man and to keep trying to love us even if he does still hate us.
For myself I want to be the best I can be, even if I'm not very pretty, smart, or on the dean's list. I just want to also be the best daughter I can be to my parents, I know I have a long way to go before I can become a real woman but I still want to try to be the best! If there is one thing that I could have before I die is some time to spend with ALL of my family before my time is up. I don't know when that will be but I hope I have the courage to also say good-bye.