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I don't feel good. At all. I fear I've slipped into another extended depression. But it's not so bad I suppose. At least I can kinda somewhat identify the source.

The first is the most obvious. I'm sick of coming in second. Everything from my grades to my social life, I'm never top prioity. I'm at best second-rate. The fill-in incase the champion can't make it. In some cases I'm not even that. I don't want the admiration of thousands of screaming fans, but I would like the satisfaction of knowing that my best indeed was enough. What I hate most, however, is being beaten by those who don't seem all that skilled. If I can't even beat them, what does that say about me? I've read some of the most depressing things tonight. Not that they're all that depressing to anyone, just me...
It's just... I don't want to be the one who has to say: 'I'm sorry. I did my best, I really did. It's just my best wasn't nearly good enough.'

I guess the first kind of relates to this, but I hate myself. I really do. I hate almost everything about me, from the past I have to live with to the people I have to take class with to what I can never become. I know it's all probably just classic teenage angst, but I really can't help it... I don't want to be the wild, crazy, annoying one. I want to be quiet, shy, taciturn. I want to melt into the background and watch others enjoy the party while I have the satisfaction I'm the one thing it couldn't go on without...

I feel both like I'm alone in the world and that the world is flooding me with too much attention. I just want a small group that I can truly identify with, a few people with whom I can be alone together... But, that's just one of the things I can't happen. I can't abandon the friends that I have now, I'd never be able to live with myself afterwards (though I do often feel like they're only there because they would feel bad about abandoning me). At the same time, though, I feel like I'm doing nothing but holding them back. How many times has Kirbe asked me to stop depressing her? How many times do I have to be reminded not to be so annoying?

If you've read this far, I admire your persistence, but keep in mind I was incredibly depressed at the time...

'All of the stars,
Have faded away.
Just try not to worry,
You'll see them someday.
Just take what you need,
And be on your way,
And stop cryin' your heart out.'