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<center> Suicide Note
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I've been trying really hard lately...
I've been as calm and optimistic as humanly possible but nothing works anymore...
I dunno...this might be my last entry. I really don't like living anymore...my handwriting sucks and if I go through with it this time I want my online friends to know what happened....I'm rockin back and forth and tugging at my hair every few seconds I stop from typing this. If this si the last entry I want to atleast seem calm and composed.
My head is pounding, my stomach is aching, and my is cracking into many smaller peices it is already shattered into. My life on net off off net has done nothing but get worse. Whenever I find something that makes me happy is is selfishly stolen away from me or tainted in a way in which I no longer desire it.
I hurt...I'm lonely....I feel unwanted....unloved...what is the point of living if you are not experiancing the opposite of these things I have mentioned. I hurt so much...and no one, not even my mom stops to ask if I'm alright. People aren't clever anymore...if someone I know is hurt I trick and toy around the sitation until I finally know whats wrong....maybe I have just befriended nothing but idiots?
I miss Shadow so much...he had this way of making it all balance out. When I felt unwanted, Shadow was there. When I felt unloved, Shadow was there showering me with sweet words. If I was sad...he always found a way to make me smile. I ******** everything up with him, and I"m so sorry I did. The one person that actually gave a s**t about me and I ruined everything between us. I lost my best friend, and what felt like my only friend because I had to lie...
Shadow changed though, slowly and surely...which is I left him for who seemed like a better choice. Kevin was atfirst, atfirst Kevin was great and equally filled taht whole losing Shadow left in me. He made me feel more wanted, more loved, more accepted. Then he changed...and I began to want to be away from him because of the ways in which I hurt as a result of his behavior. I became frightened and locked myself up into a tight ball wanting no one to reach me...
Then one day I stumbled upon Sephy as I was giddly showing off my picutres. Sephy made me not so depressed, not so sad. Sephy was so nice, Sephy made me feel wanted once more. Being neglected at home and in school made everthing feel better as I chatted with Sephy. Sephy is comical, and even gave me permission, in a sense, to talk with him on MSN. I was excited and feeling completed somewhat. Yet I can never talk to him as much as I want because of my addiction to Ragnarok Online.
On RO I entered a guild and made many friends all at once. But they were all people new to the game, people I wanted to teach and help...because helping other always makes me forget how much I hate my life...helping them makes me feel as though I have a purpous...but that all faded. Blaugh is unable to talk to me, and zaros has other things he would rather be doing...
Zaros has become a close friend to me, one who I adored very much...and then one day he disappered. I searched for him, who had become my companion on RO since Kevin was always to busy to play. He came back today, and said he was tiered of RO and wanted to play Halo...I respect that, so you know Zaros.
For some reason, I've lately been having the habit of thinking I mean more to a person thatn I actually do. It hurts alot when thy blow it up in my face I am nothing...so I run and hide and cut to make the hurt go away...
In school my friends are assholes, but I like them to say the least. They're just school friends though...nothing more. Outside of school I don't contact them at all. I'm sorry to all those who thought I would make something great of myself...but this emotional pain inwhich I won't allow myself to describe here is something I can't handle anymore. I tried, I swear to you all I really did. I wanted to be happy...I wanted to have things work out...
It doesn't matter though...a little before I met zaros an old friend of mines became reaquainted with me. A net friend, of couse, named Slasher. I had thought I had met someone I could confine my pain to, someone who hurt like I did...but I was wrong. I usually am...I guess I want love an acceptance so much I'll do the stupidest things...I assume to much...I messed up with this frienship too....
Today many things hapened which make me want to tak emy life as I do...I figure a few pills will do the trick. My mom wouldnt even notice me stuffing 20 or so in my mouth...heh...muy mom...not the best person in the world, I can't forgive you for all you've done...just take care of mmy siblings. Thats all I ever wanted from you. Listen Breanna, Kenyanna, Todd, and Kennth...you guys be good and become great things and don't give up like I did...I seee you guys, your stronger than me.
Todaty in school depressed and exhausted me. When I got home no one was online to chat with so I started doing homework. Kevin IMed me so I got onto RO and recieved some gifts and all which I am very thankful for...we sat and talked for a long while. I was very happy, and I got even happier when Silent got on; she is a friend of ours. One of the few female friends I have, 'cause guys are easier for me to get along with... I talked to them both a bit...and then they quit talking to me...so I sat there quiet, and decided I need to train anyway but Kevin begged me to go to Lutie with them. ::sigh:: Whenever anyone else is around that Kevin knows I notice he either pawns me off on them or doeesn't talk to me at all. So feeling that sensation of rejection, like the one Slasher issued to me the day before, I decided to send them to Lutie an dI would try to train...DL(a mini boss on the game) killed me, so I respawned to my last save but...as usual, Kevin forgot about me. It hurt...but then Blaugh PMed me so I sat and talked with him a bit...then zaros did too. So I hung with the two of them and zaros gave me all the stuff I needed to make a present...the three of us travled to lutie and I made my present inside. Blaugh was AFK at the time, then Kevin pmed me and asked if I was having fun with zaros...I saw a bard but I didn't think it was him...I recall now, earlier in the day I told him he couldnt say he loved me all the time 'cause were friends now...whenever I say that he alienats me, he treats me like he doesn't know me...I think thats why when I sent him and Silent to Lutie he didn't even try to come back to see me. I'm stupid, I already said that...but I honestly did expct him to come back. Anyway, back in Lutie Blaugh left and I sat with zaros. I wanted to know why he didnt' contact me an dsay he would be gone so long...stupid me again for expecting someone I only kno won a game to contact me...he didn't say anythign...which made me cry ontop of everything else that happened today...so I left...and I wandered around alone for a long time...just wandered....I eventually found myself in Lutie, at the place where people get married. It really broke my heart to see them so happy. The married couple with their silly love chatting and happy friends. A preist sat next to me and made small chat...I really didn't want to talk though, so I left. As I was walking thorough lutie filed Kevin skipped to guild chat (one of the rare times I had heard from him since first sending him to lutie) and jsut said bye. And left. I just froze...a sin killed the bear mob that grabbed be so I buffed him and healed him...all of a sudden everything in my head crashed and I felt something rip through my heart...its always...sad...to know you aren't cared for by someone yuo had devoted so much attention and emotion to...I couldnt' reeally funtion from there, I kept telling myself walking wuld make it all better...it didn't. I think Silent thinks I'm mad at her...I'm not. I kicked everyone out the guild becayse I dont know if I will be back. I know you were going to leave, you said it at the begining of the guild. I was cool with it and i'm cool with it now. Just because your not in my guild doesn't mean were not friends. Atleast I hope not...I've been thinking so much lately and been proven so wrong that I just...
Chris...no, I didn't forget you. I miss you alot. I wish I could be around you all the time 'cause for somereason reading your messages and feeling so sclose to you makes me hurt less. Now though, I can't talk to you as much anymore...your computer died and I don't know what to do...you were gone a few days on the holiday and I ravaged myself with shattered glass so much...I dunno if i could this for now on. Its strange though that above all this, I atleast know you love me and care for me regardless of what stupid stuff I do. You keep an eye out for me...you make me feel so loved and wanted, you accept me as is and its the best feeling in the world. YOu dont have free time like I do though...you can't always be in mode of communicstion and I hate it so much. Your the truest friend I've ever had and I've known you only for 8 months or so now...we talk about everything and no matter what you always make humor out of it. Thank you so much for being here when I need you...
I laugh, 'cause in one of your last messages you said I am stronger than I give myself credit for...writing this all out here makes me not want to kill myself. So sorry if I scared anyone...this entry doesn't even describe 1/3 of how I ma feeling...I need a hug....to be patted ontop my head and to have someone promise to be there for me no matter what.
rolleyes But this is reality we speak of. All I need is me, 'cause in the end no matter what I"m all I have. Its like that song by MJB~"I don't need you 'cause i can do bad all by myself"
Atleastr I can smled again smile ... sweatdrop : now excuse me while I run off to applogize to Silent for running off like that gonk
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