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<center> I ******** up again
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If its not one thing with me its another...
I'm falling apart right infront of my eyes, this time though I have no one to fall back on. ::sigh:: I have finally become alone again, that ideal world I lived in before I ever met Greg and before anyone ever met anything to me at all.
Its not...as great of a world as I used to remember...
:;sigh:: So what happened? How did I ******** up this time?
Well ... for the first time in two in a half years...I have...like...no boyfriend. I am...single...I know, I know, two years is no big deal...just thinnk though...two years ago I was wee little 14ish~I'm on the eve of 17 now...it is strange not to have anyone...and at the same time, not want anyone either. Love hurts...alot...it...is not worth the pain anymore. It seems each time I fall 'in love'...teh guy either doesnt' like me in return or turns out to be a crazy scary person...
I was talking with my friend...just about everything. I won't repeat it all here for the sake of the sentimentals who cry abotu every damn little thing I write, so in the end, as I was about to leave and call it a night...happy atleast one person wanted to talk to me...one person made my day since no one else I know online has even tried to contact me...he just...said something that blew my mind.
Like...he didn't really like me. I don't know why I expected him to...I'm so stupid, I know...its like...when you think you made a friend but you really...didn't.
I guess....as far as he was concerned, I could be a casual ******** and nothing more. I don't want to be that with anyone...it is...just strange...if I decide to have sex with someone I expect it to like...take our relationship farther. I don't just ******** anyone...its like...special to me. I'm not some two cent slut from down the lane, I'm not whoring myself off like the other girls; I'm better than that god damn it.
...its just....I dunno...when I first talked to him he came outta nowehere. It was during the summer too. Scared the hell outta me and creeped me out too. We chatted though, and as time went on he became pretty cool. Then I lost contact and sorta died in a sense. I was brought back to life months later when I was jusr browsing through my old AOL IM name and he messaged me. I was shocked that he did, and that I still remembered him honestly. I couldn;t believe I had forgotten like that...but recently I've forgotten everything.
We talked...and, it felt so damn good to meet someone else who was hurting as much as I was. Maybe he wasn't and just lied, I don't know...all I just know it comforted me like nothing else could. I didn't feel so alone anymore, and that made me so happy. Just talking to him made me happy...he is a very intresting person and I mean that alot. I mean, we talked about sex alot but it wasn't like...bad, like negative you know. It was just cool, casual chat that made me feel like...nice to talk to someone about it. 'cause as we know most people think its aganist the laaw to.
I won't lie, in the future....because I have grown to adore him so much ( stare died liek a million damn times on RO just so I could talk to him) I...was startingn to like him more than a friend. When Kevin confessed all his truth to me abotu not loving me and stuff I had him to fall back on and he made me feel better...it was nice to feel cared about. Then we talked more and more last night xd and he did something which roused my intrest. More like made me blush redface
:;sigh:: but hell, doesn't matter though does it? Ish the third time in less than two months I am thrown out llike cheap trash. He was like "Since we both know how we stand, were not going to be anything more than friend and doing anythin with you would be like doin it with a lesbian friend or something"
..not that exactly...when I read it it stung like hell and I just made a sad face and shut down my PC...it ws stupid...I should have stayed on..but what the hell was I suppose to say? I mean...right now I don't want anything more than friend, just friends make me happy...but I mean...I won't feel like this forever...::sigh::
I am so stupid and now he doesn't want to talk to me now and all I can do is cry...
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