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Recently I've received a lot of encouragement to think for myself. I've taken such advice. I've been thinking to myself about a lot of things, whether it's about perception, video games, my parents' actions, Phil's parents' actions, rice, computer parts, the reasons behind stuff, or religion. I thought about religion, and not the kind of thinking that goes, "I wonder what God really wants me to do." If I took the time to listen to the sermon and read the bible, I'd know exactly what some people say they know about God and his motives. Of course, from the rice cookers of the influences in my life, a tendency to challenge the ideas of others, as well as my own, has emerged. I decided to challenge the nature of my faith.
I've had the thought with me for a while, now. I've been raised by two religious parents, in two countries that both seem to stand behind their religion, and was even accidentally baptized twice, by two different sects of Christianity. One would think that I'd hold fast to my religion, as I hold fast to the spoon filled with rice and chicken, or my beloved mouse and keyboard. My mother did. I only recently let her know my new stance on God. She was upset. She blamed my father, and herself for not enforcing it, and not putting enough religion in my life. If that had happened, and I still reached this point in my life, I imagine I'd meet religion with violent resistance, instead of active analyzing, in reaction to its restrictive and imposing identity. After insisting that I had just not decided on the matter, yet, she let me know, as stated by her religion, that being undecided - not having faith in God - would end in a way that she didn't want. She felt that it was important that I decide before it's too late, out of her concern for me. I appreciate her care, but evaluate the situation, and in retrospect, find that she accepts the doctrines of her religion as fact; when she dies, and when I die, we're still headed somewhere, and the destination is up to us, and God.
I don't want to say that such an idea is foolish, and degrade the tendencies of the religious, but I can't accept it. I don't understand the ways of God, and the most religious suggest the same. "God works in mysterious ways." Indeed. I find myself asking many questions when I face my religion. The question I was asking myself when talking to my mom about it was "where do people like my mother find justification for their religion, and the ideas like the one she's telling me about, now?" As I was munching on Ritz Bits sandwiches with cheese (yum!) and typing out the rough draft, I answered that question, for a second time. My answer: faith. I had asked myself the question, "How does one justify anything?" sometime in eighth or ninth grade, and came up with two answers: faith, and perception. So why can't I accept God yet - or anymore?
I've rejected faith, I guess. It stings to say something like that. It's like saying, "I'm Asian," when your parents teach you to shoot Asians when you're a toddler. When I was young, I was taught that religion was real, and it was good. When I was young, I also believed everything my parents said. There's this one Filipino dish... Uhh, and I think it would probably sound nasty to you. It's made of meat, floating around in blood, in which the meat is cooked. (It tastes pretty good, actually). But, yeah, my parents must have thought the same thing when telling me what was for dinner, so they called it "chocolate meat," because the blood turns brown when you cook it - and I believed them for years. Something silly like that wouldn't make me question something I've been taught as fact all my life. There's other stuff, like that a god would give the most religious people a horrible life, with people called Nazis, who burn you for belonging to your particular religion, when I stand undecided - hardly religious - living a very fortunate life. What's up with that?!
Those Dark Age church officials made it pretty hard to argue with faith, if you accept it. According to religion, despite religious children getting molested, and non-believers having the time of their godless life, God is still there, and he's a good guy, after all. They said "God works in mysterious ways." That sounds awfully wise of them. Or they can't justify God, either. The Church tells us that those that suffer in life will be rewarded after they die, when they choke to death on rice. Okay then. Even if one accepts that effectively unsupported idea, on the basis of faith, their life could still suck, and unless they're drunk to the point of unconsciousness, they'll know it, until they stab themselves to death with the free plastic knives from Baja Fresh.
But there's also no substantial evidence for the lack of a god. If there wasn't a God, he wouldn't be there to say "Hey, I'm not here! If you were faithful, you just got OWNED!" If he was there, he wouldn't come out and say "I'm here, you better believe or you're in for a hellish time-out for eternity," because hey, he supposedly works in "mysterious ways." Well, my mom told me that "I've got nothing to lose, and everything to gain," if I have faith, but my nature says, "If its evidence isn't as plain and real as rice, only a foolish person would accept it as valid food for their mind." I probably won't make up my mind for a long time...
Current Music: Metallica - One
Current Mood: cold
 Daakafal · Fri Dec 31, 2004 @ 05:13am · 0 Comments |
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