I f*cking HATE my mom and hate looking at her f*cking face.
I feel so angry inside when my mom tries to tell me what to do or gives me advice sometimes to the point where I want to scream, swear and start throwing sh*t on the ground.
I hate my emotional dysregulation and I hate having to hold it in to feel like I'm not losing complete control of myself and not do something I might regret.
Anytime she says sh*t to me besides "hi,how are you" I immediately want to tell her to f off and go away. I hate myself for feeling this way. I'd like to say that mood stabilizers have helped these intense internal rage episodes mostly calm down so far, but sometimes I fear that I'm going to explode out of anger and it's not a fun feeling to have.
Sometimes all I want to do is punch a wall and throw things at my mom when she sets me off just a little too much, but I never do and I hope I never get to a point where I will. I wonder if it's related to my bipolar disorder or perhaps they're meltdowns related to my ADHD, but regardless my rage makes me so upset and feel out of control and somehow I have to find a way to halt the rollercoaster before things start spiraling and it SUCKS.
I think my mom has done some damage to my psyche from past comments that she's made to me to where anything spoken to me the same way makes me immediately pissed off.
I hate eating and have lost all enjoyment out of it because I feel self-conscious of overstuffing my mouth because she won't stop lecturing me about how it looks unladylike and impolite, especially in the past couple of years. I already have sensory issues with food, and it's not like I'm eating like a pig in my opinion.
Now because of this people including my boyfriend start teasing me about eating too slow and it's starting to get on my nerves. If I try to eat at a normal pace, it apparently is impolite when I do it because I have a small mouth, but for some reason other people can take bigger bites and they apparently don't look like they're shoving food in their mouths.
I'm trying to eat at everyone else's pace while simultaneously not have rude table manners, and it's really difficult to do both because I literally physically CAN'T and then when I try to improve my table manners, then I get singled out for eating slow and get told to eat more etc. WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??
She thinks that I hate eating because the only think I like eating is "crap", but it's not fair and not always true, and I HATE HATE HATE people making assumptions about what I think or how I feel, it pisses me off IMMENSELY.
I'm sick of people commenting on my food. I'm sick of people misinterpreting my intentions. I'm sick of being criticized about my "tone" (whatever tf that means) and not getting clear explanations on why I'm coming off not as intended, I'm sick of people criticizing me for things others can get away with and I'm just sick of LIFE. I'm sick of being told I'm "too sensitive" and defensive about everything when in reality I feel like I have a RIGHT to feel this way and that it's REASONABLE to feel this way when misunderstandings directed towards you happen over and over and OVER again for your whole d*mn f*cking LIFE!!!D C FD, SNDJKRSYDF
I'm sick of my sister being able to get away with acting like a 12-year-old and teasing me about my ghost plush in my car looking like a p3nis multiple times when it clearly doesn't, but when I tell her jokingly that she's an "a-hole" then I get told by my mom that what I said "wasn't very nice" and to not say that to her next time. AND MY SISTER GETS TOLD F*CKING NOTHING?! I didn't even SWEAR at her. I put up with it, and then I get punished for it. I'M 24 F*CKING YEARS OLD, and so is SHE. Why aren't YOU saying anything to her??
Why aren't you telling her to stop whining about her PCOS weight gain that is literally MAYBE 30 pounds, but when I have foot pain that affects my ability to walk and wear shoes every other girl can wear at 24 when I want to live my life like everyone else my age that's young and can do these things, I'm "bringing the mood down" and making things awkward by bringing it up over and over again when she's doing the EXACT d*mn same thing??
Why does that entitled b*tch get experimental Ozempic at the expense of your medical license while I get blown off about getting an ADHD evaluation and not get to take Adderall? Why does she get to have everything easier than me and barely have to work for it? It's not fair and it will NEVER be fair. Why can't she just have ONE thing worse than me without getting to have a stupid shot fix it all for her? She's not even obese, she's not even fat, she's f*cking BMI 26, yet it's bad enough where you think OZEMPIC is f*cking appropriate. Why do you think you deserve your MD with this kind of reckless decision making?? This is bullsh*t and I doubt I'm going to be able to live this down anytime soon.
Why do I get to have nasty comments made about my skin wounds/scars that are a result of a mental illness that I didn't even ask for, while she gets to avoid being shamed for her PCOS-related weight gain?? They're both sh*tty situations that can't be fixed in five minutes, why can't SHE get bullied for it??
Why can't I just have something better than her for ONCE?? Why am I forced to be a twin? WHY?? Why can't she just be my older sister, younger sister, and not my TWIN sister?? WHY???!!
I have to deal with people always giving me sh*t and get told to calm down when I eventually get sick of it. Like sorry I'm having a meltdown for being oppressed by society, gaslight about my feelings and being frustrated about everyone having life easier than me. My boyfriend has none of my health problems, why can't I be him? My sister has everything I wish I had health-wise handed to her that she takes completely for granted, why can't I have that? This is so, SO unfair.
I'm only 24 F*CKING YEARS OLD. I shouldn't have to worry about future chronic foot pain from a day at the amusement park or wearing heels that society expects me to wear for a nicer event. I shouldn't have to worry about getting a painful HS flare just from having SEX like everyone else or have to do all these extra stretching exercises just for a 5% CHANCE of being able to have PIV sex without pain. I shouldn't have to skip out on alcohol or drugs just so I don't feel s*icidal later. I shouldn't have to worry about extra medical responsibilities when ADHD already makes the daily stuff hard for me to manage.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THESE CHRONIC BULLSH*T PROBLEMS WHEN I AM TWENTY.FOUR.YEARS.OLD. I should be dealing with these at 50, why do I have to deal with them now?? This is so unfair and cruel, and I'm so tired of being expected to hold all my feelings in and be a good sport about it. I'm SICK of being a godd*mned good sport, I'm FED.UP. I'm burnt out, I'm done. I'm sick of being told about every one of these cr*ppy things happening to me being a "character-building experience", all that makes me want to do is make you become a "character" that I can beat the sh*t out of and scream at.
I'm sick of being expected to be the strong one and put up with all this bullsh*t but yet get my feelings about small things blown off. I don't believe that I'm always the victim or am entrenched in that mindset because it's not always healthy, but it's REALLY REALLY hard and sometimes I lose my sh*t because it's exhausting.
I'm not sure if it's really my mom anymore that's making me angry, and maybe it's more like repressed resentment about some of my challenges I have to continually deal with every day and don't get a break from. And some people that have never had a hardship in their d*mn lives have the audacity to say that your 20's are the peak years of your life?? Good god, if that's true, I'd rather off myself than live another 10-20 years of this.
