Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

*sighs* I'm feeling emotional and depressed today. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of my summer colds or because...I dunno. It's complicated, you see?

Why am I even writing in this journal anyway? I should be working on my story, creating those ten chapters I promised my friends and fans. And yet I'm sitting on my arse, writing about how miserable I am. I don't even know why I'm this way. Sometimes my past crashs down around me, choking me. I try to cry but the tears don't come. I've lost the strength to cry. My heart is becoming a void of nothingless, destroying every happy memory within me. And I'm just left with a feeling of emptyness, with no emotions at all...

I'm sorry. I'm just feeling very heavy hearted. It's probably because I had a dream about my crush; a relationship that's never going to happen. Ever. Why? Because he's two years old than me, his friends are too different from me and well...I don't think he feels the same way about me. So...yeah. God I feel like crap.

I dreamt that it was the first day of school and we saw each other. We hugged a friendly kind of hug and talked about random stuff. Well, okay. That wasn't very exciting. One of the dreams that really got to me was the one where we were sitting in an office, talking again. I noticed I was wearing my ring that I always wear on my right ring finger and a weird but pretty looking glass ring on my right middle finger. I've never seen that ring before...but anyway. We were talking and he asked to look at the glass ring. I accepted, took off the ring and gave it to him. He examined it and then took my left hand and put the ring back on my left ring finger. The marriage finger. Was this a sign? We stared into each other's eyes and then the dream ended.

But I think my dreams about my crush are not the problems. What haunts me every day I awaken is my story. The story about my character Flame, the spirit of fire. Her storyline is such a tradegy and is so horrific, it's implanted into my mind. The events and the tales of sorrow sadden me and threaten to consume me. I fear I might go mad if I do not publish the story fast enough. I've wished forever for comfort; someone to hold me in their arms while I suffer with this burden of hate and sadness. It kills me to write this even now. On the outside, a glimmer of my sorrow may shine through my emotionless self but inside; I bleed like no tomorrow.

But death itself scares me stiff. I wanted this to stop but the story is grinded into me. In essense, I am the story itself. A story of love, hatred, death, pain, blood and tears. It overwhemes me; makes me gasp and choke on these dark thoughts. My heart thuds inside my chest; trying to escape the inner darkness.

I can't breathe. I'm dying in my dreams. I'm afraid one day I'll never see the light of day again. I feel Flame's pain; of her three deaths and the horror of watching her lover die before her eyes. I am becoming Flame. I am cold and lost within my own self. I feel like I'm living a dream of everlasting longing that I will never reach. Is death the only answer? I pray to God that is not the case.

God? Can you hear me? Hello? I'm still here. I'm dying God. Please grant me the light at the end of this dark tunnel. I'm crying now. Not on the outside but on the inside. My hands are cold; my feet are numb. I can't feel a thing...

God help me...