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I really tried...I did my time. |
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I have seen the writing on the wall, don't think I need anything at all. No, don't think I need anything at all...It was all just bricks in the wall; all in all you were all just bricks in the wall.
It happens every time.
Over and over and over I sit down, I start an entry, something calls me away, so I save what I was able to type out...and I try it again and again with no success, as the days tick by and I find myself falling more and more behind. I sit down, I try it again with the best intentions, knowing full well what will probably happen but I try it anyway. (You know what they say about that road to hell. xD I think the saying should be amended to "The road to hell is paved with repetitious good intent." xD) I compile attempt and attempt atop other attempts until I have so many scattered thoughts and musings down that when read all at once in one go I can finally get an idea of what other people see when they sit down to read something I have managed to put into words.
Am I really as crazy as all that? xD
I get the idea at times that I would make all of Wonderland turn to stare at the crazy lady. xD
Ah, well. I am here now. I am here and I will get this entry down and posted before midnight of the second; it is a new month and what better way to start it then by getting a new entry up to let people know I am alive and try to stress yet again that I've not forgotten anyone, nor am I ignoring anyone, that I've fallen more behind then I ever thought possible, but that I am trying, I've yet to give up.
My last entry was more then a little pathetic in my eyes, for what I am capable of, anyway. I like to really lay down an epic entry; I simply have to put some thought into what I am doing, make it matter, make it meaningful. Again, however, I found myself long on words and ideas and the sands of time running short and so I cut it, saved what I had, and left my most heart-felt message I could convey. I wasn't all that pleased at all. I had hoped that the people that I needed to see it the most would, and truly, and I mean this more then I could ever stress, the comments that you guys left...It really did me some good. Really. I wasn't expecting the comments I got, nor do I ever expect any of the ones I get, but all I can say is perfect timing, everyone. Thank you. I needed those smiles that you gave me. I hope I can repay everyone of the people that have left a few kind words for me, especially at this time when it seems like I am online less in three months then what I once was in a week. I miss it so much; I will try to not repeat that a million times, though. xD
So what was I going to rant on about, for why even pretend that I am not going to rant? Ahhh, yes. The being-behind-that-is-Trademark-Flare.
I am just a little behind on things, as most of you guys know all too well. >.<
Just a little.
Only about ten guilds that I need to post in ASAFP!, at least four guild RPs that need posts as of (literally) YESTERDAY or before, and as of this very moment, there are 46 PMs sitting in my Inbox that need answered.
I have over 25 more PMs that I've copied/pasted into a Notepad document to keep my poor Inbox from overflowing, therefore losing messages before I can even read them, let alone answer.
And guess what? I wasn't able to get on to save at a certain point and it went over anyway. xD So now for sure I will be missing some people's PMs, and though I think I remember what more then one was, I have no way of knowing the ones I never got to look at.
I am sorry for those, in particular, cause those are the ones I for sure can't catch up on.
Again, I should say. This isn't the first time it has went over 100% and I imagine it damn well won't be the last.
I have PM RPs that I bet the other RPer has to think I've lost interest in, just don't give a damn about anymore, or have forgotten completely.
I have threads I've needed to post in for over a YEAR now. I even had a post for "Unreal" that needed to get slapped up and then damned if the Gaia-monster did not eat the entire thread one day back during some post-migration issues that saw the end to a lot of wonderful threads. Problem solved, I guess, in some odd, slightly sadistic way, but DAMN I mourn some of the posts that were lost, even after...what, about two years now? >.< (The rose and the letter...Ah! I cried. I cried when I read it, I cried when I realized it was gone and I couldn't save it to read back later. xD And I hope that the person that was aimed at knows what I mean. If they read this, that is.)
I have comments in my profile that I dearly want to comment back on, as well as messages left in my journal that I wish to address (better then I have already). I have a load of people that SWEAR I have forgotten them or am ignoring them, and they need something from me NOW or else.
I've been removed off people's friend's lists, and while I can understand that perfectly well, I just wish I had not made them feel whatever feeling that caused them to do said removing. Not because of the removing part, but their feeling-behind-said-removing part.
So, yeah. Just a little behind.
Have I forgotten anyone, any RP, any PM, or any guild, any comment, ANYTHING?
No, not at all. In fact, I get told a LOT by a great many people (online AND offline, shockingly enough xD) that I stress a little too much about my little slice of home here on Gaia, that I tweak a tad bit too much about getting posts back to people that probably are not half as irked over the wait as I may think (or fear, or stress), and was even told by a dear friend of mine one past Sunday as I sat bitching about it to him and half the people near our table that there is a problem when a person starts to look at their recreation as work.
I had a "WOW" moment when he said this, it was like he flipped a light switch on in my brain. Until he said those words, that magical little combination that over 20 people have repeated to me in various ways and wordings these past few months, I had not realized how very true it was; it just had not dawned on me (if you will pardon the two lines about light xD) how much I do indeed worry over things on here. I guess it might have been who it came from that really got to me- this is a dear friend of mine that I have seen damn near panic over nothing (and it is the type of nothing that even he says is nothing)- and here he is telling ME that I worry too much. xD
And the thing is, it is not that I look at posting and PMing and all that as work; quiet the opposite. If not for finding Gaia I probably would have went all the way truly and deeply bonkers by now; as much of you know, writing for me is not just critical, it is my ultimate catharsis. I need to write as badly as I need to breath; given one or the other, I would pick to write if it was not for the fact that if I did not breath, I would be dead, and thus unable to write.
It is a vicious cycle, that.
...Well, I could write, I guess some could say, even if I was dead and had just moved on to the next great adventure...but not in this life, anyway, and while I tend to worry, I am not going to start worrying about how far behind I am in a chapter of my existence that I have yet to reach. Not even I am that much of a worrier. But that is a whole other can of Pepsi, now, isn't it?
The point is, I need to write. It was because of that love that I fell so hard in love with this place: because I could do just that. I could continue a story that captured me so fully that I've not spent more then an hour since starting the story of the Horsemen without thinking over some aspect of it, tweaking this, having a "what-if" moment here, building on and continuing mentally what had to end at some point. It wasn't meant to last forever, and I knew that every moment of the actual RP, but it was still a shock to some vital part of my system when it was closed at the table. When I found Gaia, the story of Flare, Shadow Dragon, Vapor, and Knight had effectively been closed, only to be played out in my own mind and on the page as I put it there, sometimes in all the chattering I used to do to anyone that would listen to me about it. We had stopped RPing that story and went onto a new story.
With characters that reeked of our Horsemen, but again, another story.
I fell in love with Gaia because it allowed me to take Flare and continue her story. Not just continue it, but enrich it. I got to be her again, and in a way that I never could at the table when the four of us sat down to play. No, this was even BETTER, because I could really get into her head. Not saying that the actual RP was not great, cause it was and still is, and always will be to me. I STILL want to continue the damn RP because it was just that GREAT, if that says anything to anyone. There is still so much to do in it; too bad that in its own little way the story mirrored life or life mirrored the story, because it is over. In many a way that seems to me at least to be so metaphorical...but it is over now. But here on Gaia I was able to play Flare again, keep her alive, she was able to experience, and is experiencing so very much more then I had hoped for. I think I saved more then just the character and story by bringing all that to Gaia.
But to get back on subject here (Ha ha ha. XD Me...on subject!), I need to write. I have to write. I need a story.
So if I have to repeat that it is not work at all to do Gaia, I don't think I have made my point plainly enough.
It is not work at all, but it is awfully hard to do all I am trying/wanting/wishing to do on the amount of time that I have to do it in. Add in that certain people expect things in a certain amount of time and getting rightfully upset when it is not done as they wish, the fact I have a wonky connection with the net that has only gotten worse for some damn reason, and just the fact that I am working, period, and what happens is...a failure to communicate. I fall dreadfully, dreadfully behind. And miss so very much of what is going on that even though I TRY to touch base at least once a week, I feel lost, feel like I am losing more and more of my grip on the situation.
I wish I could say I am sorry enough, I wish I could wave my hand and make it all better, get everyone exactly what they wish in the timely manner they wish for it to be given, and never, ever, ever fall into the abyss that I have now, with literally being so behind that even now I have a very very very very very hard time believing that I can realistically get it caught up, keep it caught up, and still do all the other things I need to do. Offline and on.
However, having said that, you can bet your sweet a** that I am going to try. 
Yes, I am dreadfully behind, and I know I have probably pissed quiet a few people off just this past week alone because I have not only HARDLY been on at all, but when I AM on finally, what do I do but make this journal entry first before doing anything else? xd
I can not say it enough but here it is again: I know I have fallen behind, and I am fiercely sorry. I love Gaia and I love my friends on here. I am not ignoring anyone, I have forgotten not a ONE of you (I STILL have people on my Flist from when I first joined and I can tell you exactly where I met every person, even though I see many of you have changed your names. I forget a lot but not stuff like that. xD), nor am I ignoring you or your PM or your comment, post, RP, whatever.
I am just behind. I am working hard to get caught up when I am ABLE to get online, but things do pop up offline that I have to deal with first, simply because if not dealt with, I can not come back to being online.
This is not meant as a rant though it sounds like one, this is just meant as an apology, and as usual, I have went all about the damn forest to pick one flower, but I told you all of this to try to...show just how much it all means to me, how much you guys mean to me. I never meant to make anyone think they have been forgotten, or that they are being ignored by me, or all the other bad things I am afraid I have made people feel or think. I never, ever, ever meant for anyone to think that, not now, not then, and never will I want anyone to believe that.
I just work long shifts at times and I crash when I can. It's that simple. I get very tired during the week while I am working and sometimes, like tonight, I get a night off early and I take advantage of that. But I fell behind over a year ago now and I, simply put, have never recovered. I had some times there I thought the finish line was in sight...but those were moments of hubris that I was quickly taught not to think. xD
I have these awful days when I think I never will get it all caught up, or that it won't matter even if I do, because it won't matter to some people, all that will matter is that I failed them in the first place. *Le gasp!* I admitted it...I suck. xD But I am trying my best here. If you walk away with anything that I have ever said, walk away with that. You've not been forgotten or whatever you may feel; I just have a small amount of time to work with on here, and I do what I can when I can, and pray that people will understand, that I can show them I mean no wrong.
I've got a site to-do list that would put this entry to shame...nay, it would put ANY entry or post I've ever made on Gaia to shame (and as some of you well know, I am capable of some hella big posts. xD) and I toyed with the idea of posting it in here just to show what all I want to get done, but then I thought that I would actually work on the damn list some before tossing it up in here...That, and I don't want to jinx myself anymore then I've already done with constantly repeating that I am working on this, working on that, and nearly done with this thing here and then NOT being able to finish it at the time I wanted or told someone I would. For now, the goal is to chip away at it and just hope that within this month alone I can finish more then HALF of it.
It is a new month, after all. A new little beginning that I am going to take advantage of, damnit.
I truly didn't mean this to be a rant, I am just getting desperate for people to know that they've not been forgotten or whatever they may think, I just have been working while Gaia kept on going. And going.
And going.
And going...
I think we can see where this is leading. xD
And on the same-but-different note, I miss the hell outta Red. Red I miss dearly. The people in it (and you know who you are), I miss you each and every one ('cept for that damn Alice...stealing my damn font. xD  Don't think I forgot that. rofl ) so very much. I miss all of Gaia, like a damn spaz. xD I had no idea back when I found the site how very important it would become to me...and that is what I have tried to show you with this post; if you have taken the time to tame this monster and read it, then know that, please. I miss it, I am trying to get things back to...a likeness...to what they once were. That last part is especially aimed at a certain person. I am not the only one that seems to feel this way, and to know that it was felt by someone else...Perfect timing, as usual.
So what else, what else...So much, so much! xD But only one way to get it all done, and that is with patience. I am going to have to learn to sit still and have grace. I will get it done; to everyone I owe SOMETHING to, be it post or PM (except for the ones that got pushed out of my Inbox. gonk I am so sorry. >.< wink know it is coming and that it was not anything personal that all this happened. I never meant to hurt anyone's feelings, and that is what all this basically boils down to. I am sorry. It was never my intent to harm or ignore, just to come on and RP my beloved Flare, have a good time writing...and somewhere along those lines I just fell into love with certain aspects of the site and then...the fumble. I am sorry.
...I'd like to think that this entry is my..."coming" back to Gaia...but more then that, I wish I'd never lost so much touch with it.
But damn, there is nothing like coming home. heart
~Have I ever said how much I love this kitty? With a picture like this, do I even have to SAY how much I love this kitty? heart Cause I do. heart I love this sweet little fluffy girl. heart ~
*Last Event* None since that far-away Pink Box...But the katanas were an event in and all of themselves. heart
*Favorite Haunts on Gaia At The Moment* Red and when I can manage it, my profile. I have been keeping track of what is going on in in the RP in Red...and to a certain person that left a comment once saying something about my favorite haunt still being Red...Yeah, I have you to thank for that. heart I really do thank you...And could never tell you how much your comment meant to me. heart
*Theme Song of the Moment* Bottled Up Inside. KoRn. Is. LOVE. Nothing else has to be said.
*What Book I Am Reading Now* Smoke And Mirrors by Neil Gaiman. It is a short story collection (for which I am rabid) and one of the best possible stories ever comes from within this collection. If you ever get your hands on this book, read Murder Mysteries. Lovely ideas; read it all while I walked home from work and didn't even realize the time had went by, I was so engrossed. Another good one is The Goldfish Pool And Other Stories. That story...no words.
*Thought Of The Day* I let the written word speak for me.
*Questing For....* To be fully caught up without messing things up further then I already have; to be caught up perfectly and have things back on track. It would be easier to pull a Halo out of an Enchanted Trunk. xD
*Odd Gaia Goal* Once getting caught up, staying that way. xD Those that know me will KNOW how damn odd that would be. xd
*Random Question For Anyone Who Thinks They Can Answer It* What would Candle's theme song be? I have always thought of that 80's song, 'I Love Candy', but that is only cause I call her Candi (always with an 'i', not a 'y'.) and when I am away from her, it is all I think about, how I want Candi. So have fun with it, tell her what you think her theme would be. =^.^=
*Random Flare Fact #112:* I have exactly 12 slices of Kraft cheese in my fridge. I HAD 14 but when I got up to go count, I thought that they looked kinda yummy so I ate one...And then, afraid that one might be lonely, I got a friend for it, and sent it down the el-e-lator to its friend, who was waiting in meh tummybox.
*Favorite Funny Account Name I Found While Randomly Roaming About Gaia* d***o Baggins (Hilarious. xD)
*Word Of The Day* Stillness.
*Favorite Movie Quote Of The Moment*
Jack Cash- You can't help anyone if you can't tell them the right story.
~Walk The Line~
*Random Huggle* A certain Shadow Lord. ninja Cause he needs one and deserves one.
*My Inbox is 92% full*
*Welcome RadiantFlare, your Gaia Gold: 1018* (I know it no longer says that, but I am rather fond of it. ^.^)
*Last Movie Watched* Big Momma's House (I have not seen the second one yet. >.< I want to, though. xD Martin Lawrence is an Aries, too. ^.^ heart )
*Dante Or Virgil* Don't even make me have to lower myself to answer this.
*Last Greatest CD Bought* Prepared to be shocked and amazed! I bought a KoRn CD! XD Live And Rare...DAMN good stuff. heart
*Song Playing At The Moment On Flare's Jukebox* NIN's The Hand That Feeds.
*Featured Gaia Quote*lishuss That's what happens when little boys act like smart asses.  And so is that.
 RadiantFlare · Wed Aug 02, 2006 @ 04:48am · 5 Comments |
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