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So, again, I got the truth. It's been about a year or two since I heard, but I'm glad he told me.

"You're sick and twisted. You're an ugly, stupid b***h. I hate you, and I mean it."

And that's the end of it.
Because of my stupidity, I lost him D:
I promise I wouldn't lose him due to my stupidity, but . . . I lost him.

"I'll never trust you again, I'll never love you again. I don't want you near me."

It makes my life a lot better . . . living in sorrow and turmoil (by the way, that's sarcasm, a lot of sarcasm). I'm a screw up, I made him hurt.
Why did I always make him hurt?! Why didn't I ever notice it?!! Am I that stupid?!
Obviously, Livi, you are. You hurt him, worse than he ever was before, you made him lose every wit, and made him outraged. So, what does that tell you? What do you think the answer is?
The only answer is, "Yes, I am that stupid."

I only ever wanted to help him, I only wanted him to love me . . . he loved me, he said so himself.
"Yeah, I loved you. I thought you were the greatest thing, I thought you were perfect and beautiful, but how you are inside ruined it."
How I am inside . . . that's what makes me ugly. I'm torn and chained. I have nothing but negative thoughts, I'm weak and scared. I told him, I promised him, I swore to him, I would change it all.

After the first few times, I knew I had to change it, I knew it, I tried for maybe half a week, then gave up.
That's where it all spiralled. I know it.
He gave me a few more chances, but I just blew it off. Went on with life.
I was again chained to that wall of torture inside, and eventually, he saw it. He was angry, everything inside and out was still the same. Still the same.

Although I hated it, I hated to say to him that I'm ugly, fat, and stupid, I still did it. Why? I don't know, I'll probably never know.
Except, I do know, that when he told me he loved me, when he told me I was beautiful, I felt it. I felt like I was loved, I felt like I was the most beautiful girl in the world.
But I guess, the one inside, wasn't happy with that. So, I started lying again, I started to dig myself deeper into a hole. I lied, I hurt him, I went back to my old ways. I hated myself again. By her will and by mine. I didn't want it, but I had no choice. I'm like a slave to myself.

He snapped, and we drifted.
Today, was his very last nerve.
I screwed up big time, and got nothing but truth.
I would have cried on the phone to him, but he already knows how weak I am, and he would have thought I was faking it.
He can't trust me, he couldn't trust me, he wouldn't. I screwed up at the very beginning. He blamed himself for everything, but really, it was all my fault.

He told me today. He kept reminding me.
"I'm not one to say this to anyone, anyone at all, but it's your fault."
He stressed the words everytime.
My fault, my fault, my fault.
It was, all my fault.
I should have seen it, I could have fixed it sooner, and we would still be happy.
Instead . . . this.

Pain and turmoil.
I can't even do anything now, because my world was built around him, it took me years to get it that way. And in just a few simple minutes, it was broken.

"I wish for nothing but pain for you now. I hope, every time you think of me, pain will take over your body. I hope you die!"

And he's right, everytime I think of him, I hurt. I ache. It almost hurts so bad, I want to burst into tears.
I love this man, I always have, and now I'm just left alone with a curse hanging over me.

But . . . if there's one thing I hope for right now, is if he sticks to his promise.
That he'll hunt me down and kill me. He deserves it. I hope it happens. For all that I've done to him, he deserves to kill me.

Anyways . . . . that's about it. I don't know where I'll go from here. Hopefully in the ground to sleep forever.
But whatever.