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Nights like these make me question my own sanity and worth. Those thoughts turning like gears and cogs inside a clock, just keep spinning and moving and pushing other ones around activating more and more unsettlements. The question I just came up with, "If I died some how tomorrow would I be a settled spirit or a restless one?" If I had to think really hard and long on it I probably would be very restless because of all the business I want to accomplish but will never complete it. I don't know what I am doing with myself anymore, college has lost its attraction and worth. I feel like I wasted the last four years of my life because I never held onto anything I was supposed to, so how can I say I am a college student if what I learn cannot be remembered and applied. Why cant I be of any use to my own future? How can I have a future if I don't hold onto anything and chase the few goals and plans I have? I am getting sick and tired of losing sleep over these things, questioning if I am even worth being around. I have plans but once again executing them is un-imaginable. I want to make something of myself, I want to have a future but I have no desire for anything, there is no fire in me and it drives me to the brink of insanity. I have no drive in life, I have no commitments, I go with things and accomplish them but at the end of the day I have absolutely nothing to show for it. No skills to apply, no opinions, just me and my words and my thoughts.
I am not a depressive person, maybe a little bit but when I don't feel my worth about anything I have nothing. I don't dwell on the past because I hate thinking about that nonsense and wasted time, I could have done so much more but I didn't and now look at me today. One week away from my 22nd birthday and I have not accomplished a damn thing. What is there to accomplish for me. I cannot think of anything, maybe completing college? having a family? getting a real career instead of managing a stupid gas station with stupid people. I have nothing to show for my 22 years, nothing I can gloat about to anyone, nothing to bring up with my dad on those quiet drives. I have no one to come home to anymore, I have a dead end job, my car is almost paid off so that means I could at least get my own place soon. Does that mean I am giving up my bigger picture for something to call mine? Maybe, if I do decide to leave home I won't be able to pay for that bachelors and would end up with the other 90% stuck in student loans. I fear that only because I feel like I wont hold onto any of the education I pursue, and then ill be trapped in debt and with a degree that I have no clue would be for. That is a hard thing for me to accept, but I am starting to dwell and just settle.
This is not who I am or who I want to be but what good does it do if I cant figure out how to apply, and execute. Maybe I am better off following my friends into the military like every other male my age, maybe I will even be lucky to accomplish something or die trying. Though what would it be that I would die to accomplish, that is the most difficult and painful question I am stuck on. How do I let myself free of that thought and be happy, its all a big loop and the more I think about it the angrier I can feel. I am just getting tired, so damn tired, but I don't want to die. I cant die, there are to many people in my world that care about me. How could I have the selfish thought of hurting all the one in my life, once again. I am stuck and its all because of my own accord, I can't let go and I cant move forward. This is not fair, and I know im doing it all to myself. I guess I am as broken as I feel and that is just bullsh!t and cruel. Time moves to fast, but my brain moves to slow. Not maybe, I do need to get my s**t together, before I know it I will have wasted precious day, minutes, hours, just sitting around doing nothing while the world grows around me and everyone finds out their path. Damn I am just in a really messed up situation, but I have no drive to push past it.
Maybe I should begin to listen to all those country songs and take their advice, just get in your car and go. Don't turn back and burn up those dirt roads. How long though before that mindset wears off and I end up back at square one, I offer nothing to this world but companionship and hopeful words. I offer these hopeful words because I don't want others to give up like I am doing, its a terrible air to live in and I would never wish anyone to be here in this heavy air. But what satisfaction do I get for giving hope and inspiration to other, just the thought of brightening up someones day makes me feel good but it is a vicious cycle, because at the end of it all I am far to hopeless and stuck in the mud. I cant make my mind up, nor can I shut it up, all I want to do is keep going but with no goals or desires there is no point for any of it. I know it will be at my door before I know it, I will lose many people in my lifetime, and I don't know how I am going to cope with that. Its an inevitable where we all end up, but I just hope that I can make a good impression on as many faces as possible. I miss everyone and everything, I hate being alone and in my head because it never leads to good places and I end up falling more and more into my inner darkness where I hurt and cry in pain.
The other question that has plagued me is, "How can someone who has everything good in their life still be so miserable and alone." I have such an amazing life, I have family, friends, money, independence, knowledge, everything. Yet at the same time I feel like I have absolutely nothing and am in complete misery all the time. I try to keep up my smile and positive energy, work my hardest and leave good impressions, but I still come back to the same mind every night. Misery, Why? End transmission.
 voxx_iota · Sun Aug 09, 2015 @ 09:48am · 0 Comments |
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