Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I don't really know what to say anymore.

I've officially become friendless. Well, netwise atleast. On the flipside of this I am making many friends, but I don't want any of them. I like the friends I have on the net now, they've 'been here' for me more than anyone else I know IRL and now they are all fading away...

It's akward. I feel so confused and hurt by so many people all at once its just to overwealming.

My head hurts, the med's from earlier wore off. If it hurts like this tommrow I'm not going to school. I think its sinus's because my nose is so stuffy but I don't know for sure.

::sigh::

Kevin just got off work and was online for 10mins, then his dad made him get off. So we get to hang out none today. Just stupid texting...

Chris keeps being annoying. I know he just wants to make me smile but sometime it just so ******** annoying how he trys so hard.

I keep making Onii-san's day bad and thay makes me feel like s**t inside; all because I am a selfish brat who relys on other people as if she can't stand up on her own.

I don't think Joker really wants to talk to me anymore. I thought I was on the brink of finding a new friend just to have it blow up in my face like this.

I wish I were strong like before...back when I had no one and funtioned pretty good. But now I have people and I don't want them to leave me all alone...I keep doing stuff wrong and I don't know what I'm doing thats making them leave me simitaniously.

Its raining outside, and its very windy. I like these days, just cold and turbulant like my mood now. For once in my life, I don't feel like putting up a fight. I don't feel like arguing. If someone where to come in here now and rape me I wouldn't even resist; I'd just stare forward lost and confused in this void I find myself in.

I'm hungry too...mom didn't want to cook dinner so I have to scavange, which is alright, she went food shopping yesterday. I just know if her boyfriend were here she'd be cooking, and that hurts to know she would cook for a man before she would cook for her own kids.

I get to delight in the fact I am most likely just going to grow up and become her. I've lived with her all my life and I am doomed to follow down the same death path which she has travled herself.

I better go eat so I can rest my head...

I hate my life.

I wish I'd die.

Nothing is worth living with this sort of despair, all I want to do is cry now and I keep biting back these tears only because I know if I cry my head will hurt more.

I just want to be okay again, and I want Onii-san to be happy and he says I can't do that and I don't know what to do. He is the type of person that only trys for a little while...and then just gives up. Onii-san is so strong...why would he do that? Strong people don't give up...Onii-san is like the only postive rolemodle in my life and he just gives up like this...and that really makes me feel like my life is hopeless.

I have tried a lot, and I have tried my best; just like Onii-san does. So should I do as he does and just quit now that I feel I can't do it?

...

Lots of the guys in school have taken an intrest in me, this is much worse than last year. I don't like it at all, I just want friendships and nothing more but these hormone pounded idiots won't take that as an aswer

I think i will have a good christmas. I seem to be getting many thing I want. Unlike last year when I didnt get anything I wanted...I won't discuss that now. I'm to depressed as it is and just confused on who I should say this to.

Mom is comming to check onme, I have to go.