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I don't know if I should call myself an actor or not, but I sure know how to convince others that I am right as rain. Maybe they're just playing along as well, letting me believe that they think I am alright, when they know that things are far from perfect.

I'm glad that my pain doesn't bother anyone. They can live their own lives without feeling guilty that I am still feeling depressed over things that I struggle to control. They're happy, and that makes a part of me happy as well. The part that cares for others at least. There's my own happiness too, and that part of me yearns for some resolution.

Maybe there is something wrong with me and people are too kind-hearted to let me know of these physical and or social deformities that seem to deflect the opposite gender. Yes, I'm still harping on his worn-out issue. It never seems to die when I wish it would just quit bothering me.

Love is something that we both need and want. Without love life is empty and meaningless. Sure there can be things to block the idea of love out, but when those things are gone all you're left with is a gaping hole. I'm looking for something more than just a "good time", I'm looking for a mutual respect between a man and woman. Someone who is capable of being loved and loving in return. Someone who is willing to help, and be helped when needed. This feeling is far from the physical love a man and woman share, though I admit there are times when I miss those things. I'm human, so what can I say?

A friend of mine suggested this guy to my friend and I the other night. He turned out to be the complete opposite of what she described, which lead us to thinking "are we that screwed in this world?" There comes a time when you question everything, and I've come to question and even plan for a lifetime full of emptiness. You can't say I haven't tried to persue individuals, I've tried and failed many times. They say that guys will jump at the chance of going out on a date, however it is not with me, even if all the signals indicate that this person likes me.

Maybe I have horrible luck, or just not good enough. I've been told to dress "nicer", put on makeup to look more feminine, and other things that would change me. I'm a firm believer of being yourself. Why put on a mask for someone when you can show them who you really are? I'd hate for someone to fall in love with the mask and hate whats behind it. I'd not only be decieving him, but myself as well. I like who I am - sure I can stand to lose at least 15 more pounds, but supposedly that would bring me past the aneorexic point. I can do with some improvements, but that requires money, money that I don't have.

The fact of the matter is, I'm sick and tired of being alone and wish to find someone that I can trust. Not some "hit 'em and quit it" date/onenight stand, but someone that can be my best friend as well as a boyfriend. I can deal with dating, just as long as the people I'm dating are drug free, in college and know how to be independent. I'm tired of dependency, and thats all I see these days; along with horrid marijuana use. I abhor the use of drugs, I cannot stress it enough. I need intellectual conversation, mutual understanding, and ******** intelligence in general. I've been around too many dumbasses over the past few months that I fear I am becoming one of them.

Feh, with summer coming up I fear that these feelings will get worse. I really need to find a hobby, but blocking it out won't do me any good. Not anymore.