Well... Olivia is clear and gone for real. We maturely cut that off... and to tell you the truth I don't think we were ever anything more than friends.... Im happy we are actual friends again it feels right.
The truth is... is that I really haven't loved anyone... well I thought I have and I feel some emotion but theres really never been someone I can just connect with and someone I just could snap my fingers and I wouldnt mine if she stayed with me forever and I wanted to be so romantic to her and.... Im just jumping my sentences Im sorry.
There's this girl named Eliza, (thank god nobody reads my journal hahahahaha) anyways I just want to say that she is the first girl ever that has just been so perfect for me and every time I see her my heart gets pounding because I've just become such a sucker for her. Honestly its so weird to feel this way about someone... I was never a sucker for love but she has moved me in a way I've never been moved before...
The point is... is that I think... Im.... falling in love with someone that....
******** I hate this.
Sorry.
Anyways... someone that I dont even think Ill be able to be with...
"BUT JUSTIN WHYYYYYYYYYY??"
OKAY OKAY ******** man Okay let me explain this...
She is leaving for an acting college after she graduates this year and I probably won't see her for a long time... Im a junior shes a senior but trust me Im a lot taller than her and stuff so its not weird hahahaha. Im such an idiot, I talk this way to a girl I dont even really know who likes me or not... I guess she does? Does she... ********... idk. She wants me to go to prom with her and honestly when she told me that I was just having such a happy freak out in my brain... (Once again weird because that NEVER HAPPENS!)
Back to the subject... okay you know what would explain this situation well? This topic I posted in CB earlier today here's what I said...
"There's this girl I like a lot a lot and I knew her all this year she's in my Chem class and we had been talking lately (we've hung out a lot outside of school) and we were talking and we relate to a lot of different things and I told her I liked her a lot and there's this whole deal that she's graduating this year and going to LA for the next however long and she's like "Things would be different if I wasn't leaving" and we got on this whole tangent and I pretty much just dumped all my feelings onto her saying how much I liked her after apologizing for kindve just saying everything she's like
"No it's fine. Things are just more complicated now haha."
I asked her what she meant ( I already knew I was just seeing what she would say )
she says "Well I don't know that you felt this way and now I feel bad for leaving and everything kinda sucks and yeah."
I told her I was sorry again its not like I was trying to make her feel bad or anything, but this is not like sympathy I mean she has to like me atleast somewhat on an intimate level because she already said she wanted to me to ask her to prom...
I've been trying to text her and talk to her normally to try to make our friendship less awkward right now and IDK she kinda talks to me but not really and today at school she just kind've gives me an odd look and walks past me without saying hi or anything so it was a little weird...
We both go into Chem at the same time she just gives me the weird look again and walks in front of me without saying hi or anything... The most talk I got our of her today was at the end of the period was like "What are you doing" kind of deal and some little laughs at some random stupid funny thing and she just left with her friend in the opposite direction sortve skittishly and idk if I did something wrong or what but this is the first day Ive seen her since break at school so idk if its that after I told her stuff earlier this week. I texted her at 7 PM and she didnt respond at all I think Im overthinking things but Im worried less about whats going on between us and more about our friendship because I dont want our friendship to be awkward just because of my stupid feelings... I feel like an idiot right now.
CB women plz help I know girls well on the inside but this situation I need a womens help someone please help me understand"
In short after random help from random people because Im a total ******** loser and I have no irl help, Im just gonna let things soak in her brain a little bit and give her some space... but i really hate this.
"Why? Justin dont you want this to work out?"
Look its like that James Morrison song called "Save Yourself"
"And I don't wanna let you go
But I know that it's the right thing to do, baby
And I don't think I'm that strong to say goodbye"
Thats how I feel but you know what I just dont want to let someone I feel so intensely about just walk away god damnit I dont care if shes leaving and you know ******** what and Im just gonna say this for me to the world to God to ******** even Eliza Im just gonna say something
My heart has been destroyed by so many people, it has been crushed, ran over left as road kill and overall just messed with far too much. I grew up thinking this life could only give me good times as long as I kept an open heart and you know ******** what... I wasnt wrong. But I learned how I wasnt right the hard way....
I am not steel Im not titanium I am human flesh and I am strong because I can admit that I am not invincible but I will still walk through all of fire and flames this world tries to burn me to ashes with and still walk away with a smile...
I wasn't born to go out and accomplish amazing things, Im not that cool. I am living to love and be the one ******** person on this Earth to care.
I care. I just care and Im honest and I dont just walk around breaking people and if someone is willing to love me I will love them no matter what until I fall down to pieces.
That doesnt mean I just love anyone okay... I havent been in love with anyone but Eliza even though we havent really known each other for THAT long god damnit Im just down on my knees and making myself look so stupid because you are a precious treasure to me and I think you actually might be the first person I can be romantic with and care for and give my heart to....
I wish she wasnt leaving...
I really wish I could have a chance to show her how I feel but I dont have any time and I dont get a chance.
Ill just go to prom with her and just watch myself fade away into depression and ugh Im ready to ******** box life in a boxing ring over it.
You know what, ******** you life. ******** my life. But god damnit theres nothing left to ******** lose so I will show her how I feel at the very latest prom night.
I dont need much, its not like I want sex, not money, nothing absolutely nothing.
All I want is one kiss and thats it okay. I want to let her know that she is perfect and she doesnt need to ever change herself because shes fine the way she is and I want to let her know that she will always be great as long as shes herself....
But this could easily turn out to be nothing.
Pointless.
Another broken memory in the past.
But Im a ******** retard so Ill go through with my plans.
kay thanks and ******** bye
god ive had to use the word ******** a million times just to get out my emotions
******** man
If she liked me back and we connected well I would run away with her honestly Im so ******** stupid why am I saying this literally I am jumping so ahead of myself!
Shes made me crazy!
Because im crazy for her
God what the ********
 Ikuo Jinichi · Tue Feb 25, 2014 @ 07:22am · 0 Comments |
