you have no idea how much I wish my birthday was 6 months earlier than it is.
As it stands now, I can't do diddly s**t tonight (OR AT ALL THIS ENTIRE SEMESTER) because I'm not old enough.
:l
which really sucks.
because the people i want to be with
are going places
where you have to be 21+.
mixed with other odd feelings.
I still don't know who i am this semester. I've lost all handle on my identity, my personality.
Which is a problem, because I can't do anything to genuinely interact with/get to know the people around me until I figure that out.
which really sucks. Because everyone here is awesome. and while I feel like I'm getting to know them a little, I know that THEY still don't know anything about me.
And there are a few select people (read: one guy in particular) that I just REALLY REALLY want to know better.
and I can't.
I don't know him. at all. Like one day I think he's someone, then I see another side of him.
I think I've seen glimpses of the complete picture, but for some reason, it really freaks me out.
excitement?
nervousness?
both? because I don't want to handle this like all my other sicknesses?
or rather, there's a part of me that's afraid. who am I when i'm around him? why do I not feel like myself?
........... Houston, that's a big problem. Never thought about it like that until I wrote it down. hot damn.
but it makes sense. I act according to how i think their personality is. I view him one way, I act that way, yet I know he's a different person, so I just end up... shutting up. shutting down. hiding in myself. hoping he'll do his own thing, and I'll just... i dunno...... jump in wherever, maybe? I don't know............
default to silent mode.
which never gets anyone anywhere.
and a whole bunch of jumbled up s**t along those lines.
yup. it's a sickness. still.
WHY. Why, CB?
plus I'm dealing with other stuff, as well.
I have been put at the bottom of the totem pole concerning all things tour-related. Like, I'm doing diddly s**t. the only thing I have to do is one powerpoint slide.
That's it.
(side: which is also a little irksome, because she expects me to put all this information and a bajillion pictures on it, but you can only do so much to a slide and have it still look attractive. I'll need to think about this for a while...)
everyone else is loosing their mind because they have so much to do already.
I, on the other hand, am losing my mind because I don't have enough to do.
IT'S REALLY FRUSTRATING.
and ties in nicely with the "i don't know myself" and "I am alone" mantras I seem to be using this semester.
because I feel like I'm doing something wrong. something that translates into not having stuff to do. My personality clashes with people?? what's going on?
Concerning cmc: I NEED TO FEEL NEEDED.
it's kind of a realization of the fear I told everyone I had at the beginning of the semester.
My fear was that I wouldn't find something I'm good at here.
that I would leave here not knowing anything more about myself or about what I'm good at.
... I'm only good at baking, hair styling, and stage plots. And I knew all that already. (stage plots=my fav type of tech writing)
Part of it is also that I'm not finding anything useful to help with that I'm good at and actually enjoy. Like, I had the option to help with the sampler once I found out my tour position, but I just didn't want to be involved in that.
I know soon enough I'll have a few more things to do working with my college specifically, but for now, I'm just irked.
Everyone else gets to look at the big picture. Why don't I get to?
why am I not good at anything?
it feels like there's so much to do, and everyone has specific jobs to do (of which I could give you many details of concerning each person).... except me.
also frustrating:
so not only am I NOT with whom I was hoping to spend some time with tonight, i'm therefore stuck working on stuff that is really pissing me off.
read: artist website.
This is an occasion where I know exactly what I want in my head, but am finding it extremely difficult to make a reality.
something about it... about everything concerning web presence for him... just feels janky. not right. I think it's a mix of power struggle (like I know he wants to do it all himself, but I am supposed to be involved), and guilt over resulting struggle (am I doing enough? what is he supposed to do?), and not knowing how to fix any of it.
I have a vision for his website and image. but I'm so scared that it's not what he wants, and isn't the best, that I keep switching between different ideas.
I want something really awesome.
My main problem, at its core, is really just finding a couple kickass pictures.
the website design he really wants involves said pictures.
... but then I switch from pictures to a generic design that could be his brand.
which is a much better idea.
... but i can't find a good brand-type design. Of the exact type I'm looking for, anyways.....
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT FOR BRANDING HIM.
KIND OF.
AND I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE.
it really doesn't help either that he's one of the people in this program that I am most uncomfortable around.
I'm a farm girl. Born and raised around hard work, open space, and rock solid values.
He's a city kid. From the Bronx.
Quite fun to be around, but we don't match up.
He wouldn't know the first thing about farm life. I don't know the first thing about living on the wrong side of the tracks in the city.
.............
so it's just a pity party tonight.
well, cheers.
Cheers to the way things should be.
Cheers to what is now.
Cheers to dreams, to confused crushes.
And cheers to not even knowing which way is up, or what any of the above really is.
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just watch me.
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