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You know what...
My best friend Adam explained to me why I have been feeling this way for the past few months and I was so happy that someone has finally diagnosed my sickness.

As yo may know by now, I have been feeling this unquenchable loneliness. No matter how many friends I make, or how often I talk to my family, I have always felt constantly alone. It got so ugly at one stage where I sincerely thought that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I thought that since I was ugly, fat, short, indian, just anything really. I thought that I needed a boyfriend in order to keep me happy. Hell all of my friends have boyfriends and they never feel this unending loneliness as I do...

Over the past month, I have analyzed my friends at this school, and I have come up to one conclusion: they are a lousy bunch. So much so that I think it would a fabulous idea to stop spending time with them. Which has happened and I think I have started to become happier because of it.

But the main problem is that for most of my life I have been looking in other people for my happiness. I have trusted people with my heart and you what I get in return? Absolutely ******** nothing. I get used. I get hurt. Adam, told me that I need to start finding happiness in myself. And he is absolutely right. This thought had never occurred to me before because I have spent all of my life making others happy and in the end, I completely forgot about myself. I always saw this sort of thing happen in the movies or in stories, but I would have never thought that it would happen to me. And you know what? I feel so so relieved now that I know what is wrong.

The next step is to understand how I need to go about changing myself so I can finally understand what true happiness is and to be at peace with just being by myself. I think this may be the greatest challenge that I will ever have in my life. Especially since I dont know what makes me happy because I have never thought about my own happiness.

Adam said that once a person figures out how to generate their own happiness, this is when a person finally becomes an adult. I am looking forward to that day. Especially since I act like a 40 year old woman when I'm only 19. I hope God helps me along this internal journey because I will be needing all the guidance I can get.

Thanks for listening.