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I should visit my brother before I go see my parents again but... I have a feeling it would

I keep talking to myself in my thoughts and it feels like they are spoken out loud. A lot of it is just screaming and downgrading gibberish. Though I know a lot of it isn't true or that I shouldn't talk to myself that way, I do it over and over again.

I'm scared to go back to that house and feel the autumn. I'm scared of the power of the winter air. And I'm scared that without my brother there, I'll be lost and more lonely than ever.

I didn't want to get out of bed today.

Last night was really hard.

I've been wanting to hurt myself again.

I hate it.

I want to eat everything in the house. I feel like if my belly were stuffed, I would be whole.

Last night I also thought about purging. What if I tried it? I knew it was bad. I knew it could kill me. I knew it was bad. I didn't do it.

I think my roommate is worried.

I was sushi.

I hate myself so deeply.