I'm sitting here many things rolling through my head. I can't stop my mind from thinking... Its starting to keep me from sleeping. My mind is always racing.
I'm looking at my current situation. I'm sitting her miserable and jobless. Being treated nothing more than a hand servant by my own grandmother. She is to lazy to even get up and get a drink. I sit here because I made a promise to my mom that I would come back for the summer. I'm hoping for a job where I can at least get a break from my grandmother.
I love my mom. I love spending time with her. She is the only reason I'm back home. I feel that she really doesn't believe that my grandma does this to me. My grandma is 80 years old and my mom is convinced that her actions are only because of her age. My mom works two jobs and most of the time she's only here long enough to sleep. Yet I'm here 24/7 dealing with my grandmother.
Don't get me wrong. Its not that I don't love my grandmother I do. I'm just not sure how much longer I can take how she treats me. She basically had me as a little puppet growing up. I didn't notice that what she was doing was wrong till I got to high school. Actually made friends. I started to see further wrong when I got to college.
When I got to college I truly tasted freedom for the first time. I got to get up when I wanted. Go to bed when I wanted. I no longer had to do what I was told like I had been my entire life. I made many new friends did many new things. But I didn't do what many college kids did. I didn't start drinking, partying or sleeping with random people. But I did meet someone wonderful.
This wonderful person was my now boyfriend of 1 year and 7 months that I will refer to as Sorren. Its funny how we got together. He went from roomie of a friend of mine, to friend and care giver when I was crazy from fever because my roomie was to lazy to actually take care of me. It was weird when I woke up from a fever induced sleep to see Sorren sitting beside me playing video games. I wondered at first why he was there then I remembered as I was falling asleep saying she was gonna have a friend come over to help her take care of me. So I let myself fall back to sleep. I woke up sometime later to Sorren and my roomie wanting food. I went in the bathroom to change so Sorren wouldn't've seen me changing and I heard my roomie kinda hissing at Sorren. I was still loopy enough I really didn't hear it. So after exiting the bathroom we went and ate at the cafeteria. Sorren stayed close to me to make sure I was okay. As we were leaving the cafeteria to go to his room to watch a movie I heard something i thought i would never hear. "Hey... would you like to go out and eat sometime... Maybe a movie or something" Sorren had asked me out. I wish I had actually stopped and thought instead of answering "Ask me again when I'm not loopy" I can't believe I said that. The guy I have had a crush on since I met him asked me out! Well long story short the next day when I was less feverish I told him I'd would like that and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Happiest day of my life... What I can remember of it.... Stupid fever.
Well enough of that tangent about how Sorren and I got together. He is the most wonderful person that I have ever been with. He loves me for who I am and doesn't want to change anything about me. He let me see the world that I had been missing, and again it wasn't the normal college life that is portrayed in movies. I felt alive and so happy. To be honest the happiest I'd been in so long.
Sorren is now alone in Murray, or college town and birth place of our love, wanting to whisk me away from this miserable life I am stuck in. He hates how I am miserable and wants me to have a better life. He wants me to come back to Murray and try and get a job. But I don't want to break my promise with my mom.
Well yesterday my mom told me that maybe I should go back to Murray and find a job because many places in my town will probably not hire me because I'll have to leave in August. Short time help is not favored in my town. But her saying that caused a fight between her and my grandmother. I hate hearing them fight... Especially how my grandmother made it all about her.
I sit her right now wondering what the hell is should do. I know if I leave home before school starts up again my grandmother will start taking out what ever frustration she has that causes her to be this way out on my mother. Leaving I will be back in the arms of Sorren who even if I can't get a job will take care of me. And on the other hand, if I stay here I will be the blunt of my grandmothers malfunction and leave my mom out of the constant harm beside the occasional fights they have. Staying here I may be jobless and miserable all summer.
I honestly don't know what to do... My role of whipping girl is fighting with my desire to be happy with the one that will never harm me physically, mentally or emotionally. I just can't make up my mind on what to do.
 Nekorlie · Sat May 26, 2012 @ 02:56am · 0 Comments |
