|
|
|
I suppose you have not heard the rambles. Hah! Even if you have, I doubt there'd be any more than two of you who have. Well, I suppose it's time for a little talk. An actual journal-ish purpose for this babeh. In every wall of text, I will single out and write to and about people important in my life who have complications with me. So don't worry if you're not one of the people I referred to. That doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means you and I... We have no problem. None whatsoever~ Oh! And one more thing. If you follow up on my journal posts well... You should be aware by now that I write nothing but gloomy journal posts in my spare time XD So if you want to save yourself the agony of having to read through all my bitching and whining... The door is open. You may leave~
First up, to that person who more than likely will never be able to read this. You'll know who you are. Well... I love you... Okay? It's shocking, considering I find it hard to love myself. I find that poem you wrote anonymously for Valentine's day very sweet. And I know it's you. You're the only one who ever talks to me like that... Like you're not afraid... Like you're not trying to please me. You also know that I find the exaggeration of it very insulting. I also know a lot of the things I've said to you have hurt you... The most recent, with my trying to leave you... When I said I never would. I have reminded myself not to make promises I can't keep but.. When I feel like I'm only hurting the person in question... I can't help but leave. Back to point.... Your sudden silence... hurts.me. I thought you prevented me from leaving you so we could patch up this goddamn complicated situation. I thought that was the reason. Apparently not. It's more like a cliffhanger. I love cliffhangers in fiction... But my impatience leads me to hate it in real life. I deserve your silence. I've declared deserving a lot of things like pain, death, loneliness... Everything. But hey, I never regret being self-centered and detached. I've been agonizing about your silence for the longest time and whoops, still nothing. So as of this moment, as of my clicking submit on this journal post... I am cutting ties. Turning away from this frustration that I probably brought on myself - losing years over worry and waiting. Well, I can't just snap my finger and stop caring but with a start, I'll try to stop worrying about you... Or the vagueness or lack of details about you that I most likely don't know about. I appreciate the fact that you've been sweet and caring and all but I regret to inform you that I cannot be the same. I find it hard, myself.... To get along with me. Especially on this level. Now then, remember when I said you should find a girl friend... In real life? As much as I would love to be the one, well... I can't be there for you or give you hugs or go with you wherever you might want to go. Whatever loneliness you feel inside, I cannot satisfy. Especially with.. Lil ole' me. I can't even satisfy myself... What more someone living halfway across the world? Bottom line is... I care about you. I don't know how... or why... I just do. And I don't like not knowing what's going on with the people I care about... And I don't like hurting the people I care about more than necessary... And I don't like seeing the people I care about hurt and I can't do anything about it... And I don't like being such a whiny, immature girl. And I know I'm inconsistent with most likely flawed logic. Well, basically, I've only needed to satisfy myself until now. Phew! I felt good saying/typing all these things you'll probably never read in the duration of your life. Moreover... Pretty soon, this will be buried under other journal posts of relatively little importance. See? See how I made a wall of text not separated by spaces and it's so daunting to read and I probably wouldn't read it if I saw it? Yeah. That's for a reason. Feelings expressed, mind cleared. Mission - accomplished! *self high-five*
Now, to that other person who means a lot to me but infuriates me endlessly with the way you're infuriated by me for harmless reasons I won't even notice if you hadn't told me. I love you. I love you like a sister. Heck! I love you more than I love my own big brother. The bond you and I share... Is irreplaceable. I won't trade it in for anything. I hope you've noticed... But I've tried my very hardest to make this friendship work. Instead of letting my hardheaded impatience and ego make me turn away from you when you get angry at me for petty reasons... I figuratively get on my knees and try to win your friendship back? Why?! Because I love you. You're special to me. You're the only one I can ever love this way. You're the only one. Trust me! Even here on gaia, you're the only one allowed to stand next to me on my profile. I would do anything for you. Anything! Don't hesitate to ask. I'll do my best if it's for you. Now please... Tell me what's going on like you used to! And yes. I'm jealous. I'm jealous of that guy friend you have who's always around you... Because he gets to be close while I'm this far. I wish you could understand how important you are to me. You may be like that... But for me.... You're the best. Besides, you may not know it, you silly girl... But you saved my life. I mean it. If you hadn't come along, at least one of my suicide attempts may have worked. You kept my sanity in those days. You kept me from going over the edge. Seeing you at least once a day then... I found it therapeutic. It was enough. Eventually, I stopped being sad or suicidal and then, I knew what happiness was again. Because of that, I constantly remind myself that I owe you my life so even if there are times that I just want to throw my life away, I remind myself that I owe you this life of mine and throwing it away right after you gave it to me. Thanks. Thank you for everything... And advanced happy birthday. ^__^
 Ayame-Yuura · Mon Mar 26, 2012 @ 02:54pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
