It is a familiar enough pattern with those of you that know me well enough: I get on and am active enough to build up a pretty heavy load (on top of all the other projects and things I am working on cat_sweatdrop ) before not being active (enough) for just long enough to make people think I have either:
A.) Died.
B.) Fallen off the face of the interwebs.
C.) Stopped caring.
D.) Started to actively ignore people/replies/messages/posts.
E.) Gotten eaten by something bigger, meaner, and faster then me.
F.) Gotten zapped up into a spaceship.
G.) Some combination of the above.
And right on the verge of most people (if not everyone) giving me up for gone/dead/eaten/perma-vanished/M.I.A. forever...
I come back on with a major mea culpa; then I repeat.
Almost obsessively, almost manically, but almost always.
It's a pattern about as old as my entire internet career; not something I am very proud of, but it is what it is. When I first joined Gaia I had nothing but time to spend on the site because I was between jobs and enjoying some downtime.
What my current situation boils down to, in the most basic and simple terms, is that I have not had the time and energy for things like I used to. That's not to say I do not want to do all the fun things I used to do (and still get to do in very limited amounts, at completely random times), it just means I can no longer plan on getting to do them when I want to, if at all.
Work really takes a lot out of me. Being "on" as much as I have to be really takes a lot out of me; as I was trying to explain to Asai a few weeks back, I am trying to find a way to balance out everything I feel I need to balance out. I do spend 99.999999999999999999999999999999999998% of my time frazzled and overwhelmed and feeling like I am expected to be full-throttle all the time always when I barely have enough fumes to scoot around. I am always expected to be doing something that DOES need to be done, I cannot dispute that, but I feel like that in rushing to do everything for people that I am expected to do or it is my duty to be done that I lose the chance to do things for me that need to be done.
I am sure that sounds stingy and selfish and hateful and ungrateful. I am also sure it sounds negative and that I am unhappy; that is not the case at all. Actually I am pretty damn happy at the moment, other then wishing I had more time to write, and the future feels really good to me right now. If I can be allowed to be candid for a moment I have to let the secret out that there for a few months I was not anywhere close to being truly happy and the future did not feel good to me at all. The future felt like another day at work, another morning to wake up and have my first thought be "Again?" instead of "YAY!" like it used to be. I was deliriously happy with some aspects of my life while being sickeningly miserable over others. I was a complete mess even though I gave all my energy to keep it hidden. It was no one's fault but my own and not even really my own: the situations I were in just were my personal kryptonite. I aggravated the situation by being way, way too hard on myself and beating myself down with "shoulds" that did nothing to help me but very well nearly undid me.
I put that all out there now because I am over that part of my life. I have dealt with those things as best as I could and put it behind me. I never talk about things until I am as over them as it is possible for me to be so my saying all that now feels good to me on a lot of levels.
So currently it is all about finding out how to fix things; how to deal with work, which is the biggest drain on my energy/good mood/cognitive powers.When I stumble out of the place it is barely all I can do to get something to eat, watch a few One Pieces* with Asai and then it is either time for me to crash because I have work in the morning OR I am so useless at that point that the most I will do is jump on to see what PMs I have and try to get a pulse on what is going on. It is like I am watching my entire life pass me by and, putting it as gently as possible, that feeling has really angered me and has made it hard to be the Supergirl I need to be.
I do not know how to word this any simpler: after doing all the stuff I am responsible for doing I have little left for...anything else. I have not touched my book since the first of the year because I am not in the right mindset and cannot GET into the right mindset...and if I manage to get into it it seems I cannot STAY in the right mindset. I either mechanically work on autopilot or just...sit in one space. I do not have enough RAM to run my life. Or rather, I do not have enough to run it well. Something on my list always suffers; I simply cannot currently fulfill all that needs to be fulfilled well. Or at all. So, to me, that means a huge change is going to have to happen.
What got me to this point? Well, not a lot I am going to go into. A hardcore mixture of both inward and outward events; just suffice it to say I know what got me here.
What I am interested in is getting me OUT from here.
Which is pretty much slowly happening, just not happening fast enough to make a difference to all the people waiting for something from me (and I mean that both here and offline; there are some people I dearly love but I truly believe it will be the life after this one before I will be able to reconnect with them on the level I would like to again).
I have identified all the issues (a first- it has taken me YEARS to get to this point) I have with things as they are right now; I keep poor Asai up at night with the rants and he hears about it all the time- pick a subject and he has gotten blasted with my opinion. So the issue has officially shifted from the subject of "What the hell is wrong?" to "What the hell can I do to fix this?" and that is partially what this journal entry is about: An official announcement that I have what I need to fix things. I know what all the issues are and now it is all about putting my foot down and doing what I do best: take care of business. This Aries is about to start getting s**t done.
In regards to Gaia, I feel like I am pretty much starting over at this point: I have once more lost a few RPers (not that I blame any of them, mind you; it's just disheartening to know that someone is as psyched up as I am for a story that fades out just because I cannot be on enough or focus enough when I am able to sit down) and all the threads I had saved to either get art from or I was interested in for whatever reasons have either died or been closed; I am once more in the purge/sort out and tidy up what is left part of the adventure and you know what? Beyond losing the few RPers I did and having that strange feeling that something passed me by...it feels good. It really feels good.
I love the feeling of a blank slate. I horde new notebooks like they are gold: for me, they are. I love the feel of a fresh page, not a mark on it...it is a doorway waiting to be opened and my pen is the key. Life felt that way for me for a long time- each day was a blank page. Then I lost that feeling (at my worst I felt I had lost it forever)...but then something wonderful happened.
One day I realized I was feeling it again. And I started to feel excitement again. Instead of announcing it to the world, however, I did what I usually do when I am very happy or feeling very good about something: I kept my trap shut and when I did speak of my feelings it was to rant about unrelated things. That way I would keep the universe from knowing how happy I was and would keep bad things from happening (I know on an intellectual and logical level how insane that sounds...but on an emotional level it makes more sense to me then plenty of other things do).
But I am learning, slowly learning, that perhaps I have been wrong about a great many things. Unlike most people, I LOVE being proved wrong. I lovelovelovelovelovelovelove it. Because I know I have very flawed and often very poisoned rationality (*points to the above theory of undisclosed happiness*) and I tend to be very...shall we say..."realistic". Combine that with a need to keep the people around me into thinking I am Integra (because she is so awesome and she takes care of business like a BOSS emotion_kirakira ) and not about to do this all the damn time (over reasons much like in the clip) and I tend to keep happy and nice things to myself while assuming that if something can go wrong it already did and I just have not found out yet.
So when I am thinking and believing the worst but something happens to prove me wrong it is a major event in Flareland.
I think the universe has been trying to prove me wrong about the whole extinguish-happy-thoughts-repress-all-joy thinking for a long while but it was not until very, very recently I dared to start considering it. I have had way too much to lose lately. I have had more things going right lately then wrong (stuff I would love to talk about in this entry but cannot currently, for reasons I will go into once I speak of said good things) and it spawned me to consider that perhaps my lifetime habit of keeping happy and good things to myself should perhaps be reconsidered.
After all, what is that old saying about hiding one's light under a bushel?
Which brings me to the theme for this month (and I think my entire life), the idea of lightening up.
First, I am going to do a major purge and housecleaning, starting with my room and my things (which I have already begun but I intend to do far more thoroughly then I have ever previously done); then I want to move on out to the other rooms before starting to work on my personal projects- like all the purging of my computer files and personal files. All my things- everything from the huge piles of projects and notes and lists and papers and books that I have piled on and around my desk, my clothes, my book collection, all the stuff on my computer and in all my personal files- all of it is about to get a huge purge.
Once all my physical stuff has been done I will get to work on my computer and on Gaia. There is so much to sort out and through that it could take months, weeks for sure...but for the first time in a long, long time I feel not only ready to do it but excited about doing it.
I have burdened myself for too long- too much gravity weighing me down. It's time to lighten up, in every possible way.
What that translates out to for Gaia is more time to focus on Gaia. I have struggled with getting things in order for years but now I have enlisted the husband-unit to help; he is going to help me give Galactica (what we named our apartment) a once-over that will do even the most OCD person proud. I am all about donating what can be donated and selling what can be sold and giving away what can be given away because I want to make room for the future. I am all about moving ahead. I always have been, I just...took a rest for a little bit. I did not stop for long, I just rested my hands on my knees because I had the wind knocked out of me...but I am moving again and it feels damn fine.
Just like I posted earlier in a thread, I am going to start small and just work through each step to the best of my abilities and not stress about the next step. Just gonna focus on the here and now. That's all I can do. I am not going to over-complicate things (as I always do), going to keep things as uncomplicated and simple as possible. No more lists that are ten miles long, no more over-thinking and working myself into a mess...just going to figure out the next smallest step to take and take it.
And then on to the next one.
View User's Journal
|
|||||||||||||||
Rick Grimes 2020. Because this isn't a democracy anymore.
Things don't get better because you want them to.
All things serve the Beam.
Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.
Always up for a Walking Dead RP. PM me for my plots or toss me yours; nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Buying art of my OC.
Things don't get better because you want them to.
All things serve the Beam.
Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.
Always up for a Walking Dead RP. PM me for my plots or toss me yours; nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Buying art of my OC.