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Yesterday was a big stressor for me.

I got a message from my friend Jordan. While it was good to hear from her and I was really excited to get her message, the thing itself kinda freaked me out. I had never truly questioned whether we were friends or not. I assumed that we would be friends until one of us said that we were no longer friends or we simply forgot about each other. I hadn't forgotten about her. > ___ > I still stalk her avatars and wishlist. She has always had amazing style and talking with Juna has been like.... OUTFIT CRAZE ON THE MIND. Naturally, I stalk all my favorite avatar makers just a bit more because of this > __ >

After the whole Dev thing, the possibility that we might have not been friends just freaked me out. All she did was simply bring it up, ask for a clarification, but that still freaked me out. I probably typed out three drafts before the actual message to her. I just kept freaking out.

My nerves have been shot in general lately. I had a bunch of dreams with Teej in them and then dreams invading my reality. I cry randomly through the day and for a while all I had the energy to do was watch tv. My roleplay is dying. I am disgusted with myself for so many reasons and everyday that I don't fix those things or work on them, I think again of how disgusting I am.

My disgust with myself is so powerful right now that when I called my brother yesterday and they were excited about my birthday, I wanted to vomit. I don't know how they can be so happy that I exist in this world. I just... don't know. I don't get what is so ******** special about me. I mean.... everyone leaves me anyway.

I tried to talk to my brother, to be normal. He told me about his poke'mon stuff with the library and I told him some cosplay ideas. He asked how I was and I just said that I was stressed. I touched on the Dev thing, holding back my tears, and he had guessed that was one thing that was bothering me. It's nice to know my brother gets me like that. <3 It's just.... so perfect <3

I thought about the thing with... my birthday coming up and thought of a great idea for presents on Gaia. I remember all the presents I get from people. When I use the items, I think of them and it cheers me up. It's like.... displaying my love <3 And since I've got so many friends and they know I have a shitload of items, I thought it would be good to pick an item ( low in cost since they are either cheap or poor people ) that has a lot of variations. The variations solves the number problem and also makes it more personal. So like... they pick a pie piece that they want to represent them <3 How cute is that? <3 I love it! I don't think many people will get me a gift. Maybe four people? I don't normally have many people give me gifts but that's okay. Tejvava gave me a gift last year <3 THAT WAS AWESOME! It was like.... so cool to think that I had worked into her heart that much <3 D'aw