As most of you already know, I stepped back up into management this past Monday, which has been the equivalent of taking a sledgehammer to the watermelon that is my energy-level/free time/writing time/pretty much the things that makes life worth living. cat_gonk
Despite how whiny, bitchy and ungrateful that sounds (because I am thankful I have a job, even one that makes me want to beat my head into the counter until the stupid stops) I am excited about some aspects of having done so and those are the things I am trying to focus on, rather then the sanity-numbing sense of futility I have after only six shifts of officially getting paid again to do the job I had been doing anyway since stepping down months ago...but I digress.
When this is how you feel about your job, you know it is time to move on.
The better paychecks mean that Asai is not as stressed about money (he worries about money like I worry about time- Cancer and Aries!), therefore I don't feel guilty and horrible about HIS worrying. It also has other perks, like being able to have more spending money. Not that we were ever doing badly but Christmas and birthdays were a nightmare for me because I feel intensely guilty over not having money to buy people nice things. We had just enough to cover our bills and basic expenses but not much more, so these checks will ensure we have the money to do all the fun things my schedule won't allow us to do. cat_rofl
There is also the fact that my being there is not permanent. We already have plans for this year that are big plans, major plans, and we have back-up plans if our first batch does not work out for whatever reasons. I have been thinking of our time in this town as gathering our forces; I never intended on staying here in this town regardless, my goal being to eventually move back to the only town in this state that I truly enjoy and do not want nuked off the planet, but life happened. And continued to happen, bringing with it the good, the bad, and the very ugly. Along the way I met Asai, first on here and then in real life, and then we married (in said town that I love so much!) and so we have remained in this town despite neither of our wanting to do so; we did not have the option of just pulling up and leaving because we did not have the money to do so but we have a few plans for the next few months that will enable us to change the fact that both of us have grown to be very over this part of the world.
I am also using this as an excuse to clean up my very unhealthy habits that had become decidedly more unhealthier. I need to work on a sleep regimen that is more "normal" and not so much "thirty-hour day and fourteen-hour coma" (though I am already missing my sleep >.< wink and this will force me to get my caffeine tolerance back in line (which I am already half through a caffeine fade, mostly because I have had Kava, which is something I love so much more then caffeine that once I have Kava I hardly ever partake of caffeine...which is saying something since if you shot Flare she would bleed RedBull) as well as clean up my diet since Pepsi and Snickers, as tasty as they are, simply will not enable me to tolerate even an hour at my job, let alone these delightful eleven hour shifts I am looking at starting next week. I noticed years ago that just eating healthy food colored how well I dealt with the store; relying on junk food to get me through a shift will ensure that someone will go home in tears.
So, between the health and monetary benefits and the fact this is not permanent I was able to step back up with somewhat of an optimistic view and for the most part I still have that, I am just currently depleted after a week of not having a day off and the last two days before having a day off seeming to be especially geared to make me regret the decision. I sincerely do require more time down then I am currently getting, be it due to the fact I am a very big introvert or the fact I have come to realize just how fully screwed I am from ego depletion, but currently I can do nothing more then grit my teeth, put my head down and power through it, hoping that all the promises of a better tomorrow are not just some cruel way to ensure I waste away my most precious resource: time. I am truly giving away my today in the hope of a lovely tomorrow, but I cannot see any other way as things are right now. Either I do not step up my game (or, in the words of one of my all-time most beloved characters, nut up or shut up) and we continue to struggle here in this town much harder then we should have to...or I show how awesome of an Aries I am and knock out this barrier as I have all the others that have tried to hold me back and we move on in a few months, happy knowing that we paid our dues, did our time, and proved we are as badass as I am in the bad habit of hopping about and yelling. xD I am very proud of my relationship with the man I married- we had to walk through fire to get to one another and we had some really nightmarish times there...but because of those bad times our relationship is one of the strongest forces I have ever come up against. I have been very blessed.
I am proud of him, I am proud of us...and I am sure things will be wonderful, even now when I have my bad nights of missing Candle so bad all I can do is wrap my head with our blanket and cry. I have my relapses of cranky- nothing compares to a pissed, introverted Aries in terms of tantrums and pissiness, just ask the poor, sweet Cancers that have to deal with her- and I have my moments of desperately needing to get to a place where I can be quiet and have stillness...but even then I know that things are going exactly as they are supposed to, that when I feel the most lost it just means I am right where I need to be. All will be well, all will be well and all manner of things will be well. I just have to have patience, which is something I lack, and just...let things go.
Sometimes you have to roll a hard six.
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Rick Grimes 2020. Because this isn't a democracy anymore.
Things don't get better because you want them to.
All things serve the Beam.
Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.
Always up for a Walking Dead RP. PM me for my plots or toss me yours; nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Buying art of my OC.
Things don't get better because you want them to.
All things serve the Beam.
Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.
Always up for a Walking Dead RP. PM me for my plots or toss me yours; nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Buying art of my OC.