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Connection problems have kept me away. That and my self loathing allowed me to lock myself in my room and just sleep instead of walking over to the Annex. If I had walked each day perhaps then I would not have gained weigh and hated myself as I did... as I do.

There's a mist, a haze if you will, in my life when I don't live this life. This online life. I am dependent on this lifestyle and the past week has been tough.

I'm alive.

Manic is how I describe myself these days. Yippee.... but that's also because I keep allowing a soda every now and then.

Random Stuff: (to cheer myself up right now) I found all songs and sounds from Sailor Moon on torrent <3 So now I'll have all the transformation songs and movie soundtracks and such <3 Epic. I also wondered for a while how weird it was that... FLCL kinda turns me on? That's weird. It's true though... I do get randy from watching the show. Silly silly. I keep trying to draw something epic. Instead I drew Din and was only able to draw one pic of the Demon Blood girl. I couldn't get the Empathetic right. I started plotting how the Healer was really evil and how she could subtly lure people in. I also thought over the weapons and how they all become a group. I am still kinda thinking over how the world works with these people with abilities. I'm trying not to go into my anarchist ways. I'm not really that anarchist in real life so to have such strong ties with my writing is so weird. It's like.... my idea of how the perfect world would be. [/ sigh] But the perfect world would have MUCH LESS people. I guess that's why I like violence? I like the idea of people dying for a better cause, for a better life for the rest of the world. If I was one of those people, I wonder if I would complain? I wonder if I would still feel the same?

I can't think into the future.

I don't know what I want to do.

I'm just a ******** first ladder so why should I know EXACTLY what I like or what I'm interested in or how I want to get there or what my skills are? I'm not a genius.

I'm a scared little girl.

I'm a girl of privilege.

My map working isn't going anywhere again. Turns out, Google Earth doesn't let you print the neighborhood view or take screenshots. v___v I need those to get the map done. There are places where the houses are the same and others where the houses do not exist. [/ sigh] I really had my heart set on this. I wish I could get it working again. Until I can think of another way... v___v I'm stuck. Suggestions are welcome. ( And no, I don't have a helicopter, nor do I know how to get in one to get the high up view I need )

As far as deep meaningful conversations with myself, there really aren't any. Crying sessions have been pretty much zilch? I go addicted to two new shows, American Horror Story (tbs) and Once Upon a Time (abc) so Wednesday and Sunday keep me looking forward to the next week of living. Wa-hoo. >.> I'm depressing. WAHTEVER! I have happy stuff too, like I got TONS of new music, which made me fangirl in front of my roommate last night. XDD I'm going to miss her. New roommate next semester v___v booo.

Myth class has been okay. Hot guys have been okay. The too are something to look forward to XDD Though I don't expect anything to happen, they are still nice and it's nice to have someone kind to talk to every week.

I tried to look for the group depression thing I know they held last year, but I didn't see it where I remember finding it. I can't go to the counselor office, my will forbids it. And I sure as ******** don't want to talk about things with friends.

In movies, there is this chain of events from terrible to amazing, all after one big mistake in their lives. It makes me wonder, when will I make that terrible mistake? Would committing myself really help me? I can function in society and only in my head am I a threat. I haven't had any personalities or spirits back in my life for a long a** time.

Maybe all my pathetic wallowing is just my way of running away from it all. I know that I'm scared. I'm scared to be alone. And I'm scared of disappointing people, most importantly myself. I can't set goals cause it hurts so bad and I think it is unrealistic. That and... I don't want to live a straight path. I don't want my life all planned out. I think that's terrible to have a boxed path. I would feel suffocated.

Medication. Now that would suffocate me. That would likely be the death of me. Once I realized how dead I was inside, I would kill myself. No doubt about it. And it's easy to wake myself to the realization. I can have soda or overdose on sugar or play music to an extreme or hangout with a friend or try to draw... any of those prove it.

Lots of things I think about. [/ sigh] I wish I were back to my old ways in here.