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I sit here and write this and there is a lot going on in my mind. With some of the things that have happened lately I feel lost, confused, and sometimes I feel weighed down or even hopeless. It seems I’ve been trying to carry a lot on my own instead of relying on the one who can carry my burdens for me. As hard as try, I can’t always get it through my head to stop fighting. “Let go and let God” comes from the mouth of one person. “Letting go of something is difficult” comes from another. All the while, I say “Sometimes they’re wrong. It’s not letting go that’s the hardest part. It’s convincing yourself to let go that makes it difficult.” It’s always difficult to let go, and sometimes I wonder if I can. It seems like every time I get close, something else gets thrown in my path and I stumble. Day in and day out I listen to my favorite songs and sing along, sometimes praising or worshipping God as I do so, yet all the while I’m playing a game, or reading something or some other third thing that has absolutely nothing at all to do with God. Sometimes I hear a song that strikes my heart and my eyes water as I try to press forward and keep myself together. It seems like every time this happens and the wellspring of tears fills to overflow, a drain appears and no tears fall. After a few moments I’m back to normal, but the moment is not so soon forgotten. “What was it about that song that made me want to cry?” I will ask myself, though I never get an answer. It seems that I tried so many times to stay strong, that now it is only second nature for me to hold the tears back. All of the surroundings that trigger the would-be tears seem to surround me on all sides and it becomes so loud I can’t hear myself think. Even now, my mind has a hard time trying to find the words to say, but I still keep going. I keep pressing forward, hoping that one day something will change but I still sit back and do nothing to change it. I try to stay strong, hoping that one day I’ll find the answer to that age old question I keep asking myself. But in the end, it comes down to one thing: When is enough, enough, and when do you quit fighting and let go?
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