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I had an episode today while walking with my brother.

I would be lying if said that I didn't feel guilty about it or felt better now.

We went out for a walk and things were going well, I didn't even listen to my music on the way there... but once we got a Jamba my stomach started to hurt. I have been PMS'ing for three weeks straight... no days off, just blood.. blood.... blood. And this is very unusual for me, espeically since I didn't take the damn white pills. I shouldn't be bleeding this much and it frustrates me. I can't really go to Kaiser cause they are jackasses and never really help. I can't stop taking the pills cause I still want to have sex or want to be ready for the possibility. And that dilemma brings me to thinking about my "relationship" if you can even call it that now...

We won't go there right now. Too much. Too much.

Anyway, I tell my brother my stomach starts to hurt and we sit down. He tells me to drink water and keep moving, it will get worse the more I sit. Only thing is, it's not a stomach ache. It's ******** cramps - the bitches never go away. They hurt worse at times so it's better to wait it out then continue when it's settled down a bit. He pushes more. I'm already at my limit from previous days and everything bottled up inside of me so I put on my headphones and walk with him to the ******** Gamestop since he wouldn't let me stay in Petroglyph for the day like I wanted... not that I can really blame him for wanting to spend one ******** day with his sister while he's here for the summer. He only has, what... three days left before he's gone. Two now and one later. Yea, real selfish of him alright... psh.

Anyway, I'm pissed and just go with him anyway. I figure if I'm hurting and not gonna get something I want then why not just give him what he wants and get nothing for myself. That works right? That's perfectly logical. C: So then we walk away from Gamestop and I'm fed up. I throw my water bottle as hard as I can then stomp on it, cause he won't shut up about how I should drink some water cause it will help. Look, I know he was only trying to look out for me since he was "responsible for me" but it was not the time and place to be pushing that. It was not a stomach ache. I grab my water bottle and we walk on. He pokes me. Over and over and over again to get my attention. I start to laugh, like I always do what I know I'm hurting someone who just cares about me. I ask him what he wants and he wants to know if I'm okay. I put my music back in but he won't let me go. He taps me again, repeatedly. This time my laughter lasts longer. I don't put back in my headphones right away. Instead I try to spray a little of my water and end up dumping it all out in hysterical mad laughter. Then I put my headphones in and walk on. He stops and walks with me, letting me lead.

We take a break at Target so I can throw out my bottles and he asks if I'm okay. I tell him my PMS stuff is weird. He says something back, which I can't recall... most likely something about talking to him. I ignore it and walk on with headphones in. It helps. He doesn't get where I'm leading him. Halfway down Douglas, I notice he's holding on to his backpack strap... a sign of insecurity and loneliness typically. The love and guilt kick in. I grab his arm and link with him as we walk down the street. It makes me laugh. We start goofing off, pushing each other and walking in front of one another. I laugh more. Things feel better. I walk him all the way to Trader Joe's, just like he had asked. He smiles. I smile. We go into the store and he wanders around. By this time I'm pretty tired and my stomach is still hurting I tell him I want a ride home. He's already texted our Mom.

Have I said how much I love my brother yet?

Hours later, at home, I find a text waiting in my cell from when we had been walking... something along the lines of "It's great you can listen to your music but you should talk to a friend while I'm still here."

He's the greatest.

I still haven't talked about how I feel
or
what it is that's bothering me
whoops C;