Pathetic.
Many times in my life I've used this word on myself but this is the only time I truly feel it.
Three years, three years that have passed so quickly and fondly. Not by anything I find physical in 'real life' but by speaking with someone I've come to call my best friend. I can tell her anything, I share things I never tell anyone else.
Honestly, there are days I don't think she realizes how much talking to her means to me.
Why call that pathetic you ask? I don't. What I call pathetic is that now when she has a life and while I'm happy for her; I feel a surge of loneliness, a rush of excitement thinking she'll be online only to have it crash down into deep disappointment to find that purple circle saying I've missed her yet again.
That's what I call pathetic. It's pathetic, clingy and just...sad. Even more so as I realize it but can't help but do it anyway.
I love my friends outside; but I always get cut out or left behind. Or they finally can't take anymore of my personality and say enough. She never told me enough. She always listened and we could talk all day without me floundering for something to say that wouldn't make me an idiot.
Well it's good this happened. It was going to happen sooner or later. We're both older now and don't have the leisure of so much free time. .....but I guess I'm scared. Scared she'll realize how annoying I am, scared she'll get bored and leave, scared she'll find somebody better.
Stupid I know. Well aware. But I can't help it. It's happened before and it probably will happen again. But I pray to god never with her.
......I wonder what she'd think or say if she ever saw this; would she be disgusted? Would she whack me upside the head?
She probably would. Whack me upside the head that is....
She'd say that she's trusted me with lots of things; that she's pushed her boundaries to open up what she'd rather not. All for my selfish self. And I can never ever thank her enough for that. That I treasure her friendship and her trust and would do everything I could to keep it.
*sigh* I feel like the clingy puppy staring at the door waiting for their owner to come back from a business trip. I can't even leave the poor chika alone while she's offline; sending her pms of ideas and such. Spam is what it is. I don't mean to, bah. I'm just being stupid. What else is new? Ugh I don't know how she stands me.
OTL Its' going to be a long long few weeks.
I'm so pathetic. =_=
Many times in my life I've used this word on myself but this is the only time I truly feel it.
Three years, three years that have passed so quickly and fondly. Not by anything I find physical in 'real life' but by speaking with someone I've come to call my best friend. I can tell her anything, I share things I never tell anyone else.
Honestly, there are days I don't think she realizes how much talking to her means to me.
Why call that pathetic you ask? I don't. What I call pathetic is that now when she has a life and while I'm happy for her; I feel a surge of loneliness, a rush of excitement thinking she'll be online only to have it crash down into deep disappointment to find that purple circle saying I've missed her yet again.
That's what I call pathetic. It's pathetic, clingy and just...sad. Even more so as I realize it but can't help but do it anyway.
I love my friends outside; but I always get cut out or left behind. Or they finally can't take anymore of my personality and say enough. She never told me enough. She always listened and we could talk all day without me floundering for something to say that wouldn't make me an idiot.
Well it's good this happened. It was going to happen sooner or later. We're both older now and don't have the leisure of so much free time. .....but I guess I'm scared. Scared she'll realize how annoying I am, scared she'll get bored and leave, scared she'll find somebody better.
Stupid I know. Well aware. But I can't help it. It's happened before and it probably will happen again. But I pray to god never with her.
......I wonder what she'd think or say if she ever saw this; would she be disgusted? Would she whack me upside the head?
She probably would. Whack me upside the head that is....
She'd say that she's trusted me with lots of things; that she's pushed her boundaries to open up what she'd rather not. All for my selfish self. And I can never ever thank her enough for that. That I treasure her friendship and her trust and would do everything I could to keep it.
*sigh* I feel like the clingy puppy staring at the door waiting for their owner to come back from a business trip. I can't even leave the poor chika alone while she's offline; sending her pms of ideas and such. Spam is what it is. I don't mean to, bah. I'm just being stupid. What else is new? Ugh I don't know how she stands me.
OTL Its' going to be a long long few weeks.
I'm so pathetic. =_=
Community Member
I am called retarded, idiot, weirdo, freak, mentally and socially challenged for 'impairments' within my skull that cause me to act, think, and comprehend differently. For the mannerisms that I have learned via family. Reacting like an abused victim with clenched fists and rapid backing away when someone comes in for a hug is only the most apparent
I am called Over Dramatic.
Honestly this is partially via Learning and a negative of my person, and mostly because it is so bloody true and I have a right to it.
I am called Nazi, for I speak a language those in my 'home country' say is such.
I am called Angel, for how kind I am with offering things I know I can be without, and for always having the urge to be helpful to anyone who shows me no negative responses nor pain. And the desperation of needing to be helpful to all I find I come to care for.
I am called courageous.
I am called Self Rightest Prude, for my old habit of never swearing and for never seeing any other person beyond another human being, never as a 'sexual object'. For wearing practical clothing and caring more of function than fashion. For having higher 'standards' and 'morals' than most everyone in my world says is possible. This also falls under the Retarded list, just retarded in a favorable light.
I am called Scary, for my instinctive fighting skills and for how 'Bad A' I look when I twirl my rattan sword while getting set for sword practice.
I am called Ice B*tch, for not ever engaging in social situations where I would be taking money for being some man's date. For being cold hearted about I found to be logical matters. For social situations I did not comprehend.
I am called Clingy, Co-Dependent, and Childish, for my intense fear that everyone will grow to hate me for my differences in speech and movement. and how I do not know well how 'society' acts and would rather hold someone's hand and walk a half step behind, than go alone. For acting happily when I before acted only serious
I call myself Clingy the most. Defying the urge nearly always with people I find I care for and want them to care for me, of always wanting to reassure myself that they enjoy my presence, and 'test' people to see if they actually mean what sounds the make with their tongue, throat and mouth. For being so fearful that they'll hate me I speak little of my own thoughts, and sit so still and quiet only watching.
I am called Self Absorbed, but I am working on the reasons this is used upon my being.
I am called A Good Daughter, a Goody Two Shoes, a Rich Snob, and so forth, for trying to help the people who have cared so much for me, and have dealt endlessly with my over dramatic times, and for having them show their love and affection for me in positive lights
I am called Intelligent, for my different way of thought others call retarded
I am called an aloof uncaring b*tch, for how I hang at the corners and speak nor meet eye contact with any in a room. And when approached raise an aura of intense 'scariness'
Because I am more afraid of crowds of people and not being able to hear a thing than I can deal with.
I am called an Impulsive violent b*tch, for how I once snarled and made a show of defending a loved one from another I once cared for, but found only lies and abusive pain. I do not care for this time, and I am /not/ impulsive for if I was, the pain giver would have left with darker skin than she had before she met me, and far bendier limbs and rib cage.
I have toyed with the phrase insane, but now hope that I am not since I currently believe that I am of sound mind, if not sound body.
I call myself PATHETIC, for how much the simplest of gestures can reduce me to tears. A tightening of an arm around my shoulders when a car turns, just to keep me close to another. A happy bouncy friend not making any sort of a deal with holding my hand and leading me along instead of leaving me behind. A written huggles, and endless pouring words of enthusiasm and carelessly thrown love and trust. Love and Trust I have not known well from any but very few.
I call myself Enduring
I call myself Mentally Broken in the Good Way
I call myself Simple
I call myself Terrified but Willing to do what is done, which most call courageous
And for those people that I care for...
I call them Good People, Beautiful in both Mind, Soul, and face.
And I can only beg and plead within my heart that they will enjoy having my self near, if not close by their side.
And pray that when I revel parts that go on within my mind they will still smile seeing me
And force myself to fight against the fear and do what I want, telling myself I don't care if I end up alone because not a single one of these other people in the world wish to put up with me.
I call the Good People many things, and pray that some good words carry through
Because far too often, good people hear naught but bad about their person
'Nd Juee. I'm goin to be nonfancy speaking here. I would neither whap you upside the head, or find any negative responses within myself hearin or readin this journal of yours.
You did that weird thing again where you make the spot inside my rib cage that is called Heart but not exactly there, feel Light/whitish gray, tight, and tears at eyes with involuntary smile/whimpers.
Make me wonder if I'm being Self Absorbed again wonderin if this is about me 'r not, but even if you didn't I'm goin to be 'courageous' and throw myself out on the limb thingy here, and even if it wasn't me your words still spoke to me.
How many more times can I say me? I hope a lot that no one is making a drinkin game of how many times I can say me!...or drop a G of at the end of my 'ing'ing verbs....
~*insert your full real name here*~
~You~
~Are beautiful, wonderful, brilliant and creative and so, so beautifully expressive.~
I dearly hope you and the only person to make my body realize that Hormones are suppose to exist here can bond over the love of theatrics and theater.
~Are amazing and So KOOL~
Seriously, how can you pack so much KOOL in a tiny person?!?!?!?
~And so much more that I have no words for currently, and I'm sure you can figure that's significance since I'm normally very, very wordy when it comes to written lang~