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Now I know that I've never been a very "social" friend, for the most part. I won't go out of my way to text somebody "just because", and if you wanna hang out, I hope that you're the one that tells me, since I know I'm not likely to think about it. But you know what? I've always been dedicated, whole-heartedly. I can't say I have many friends (mostly because I've never really liked people) but if I've ever become attached enough to you to call you my friend, then you'd best believe you're one of a special few who probably won't ever hold that title.

So why do I feel so lonely lately?

It's partially hormones. But it's partially because of the friends.

I had a top four. A top four girls who I really considered to know all my ins and outs. Every single one of them, I've known for years. And every single one of them, I've shared myself with. Secrets and habits and compulsions and who I am, I've shown them all of it. And out of all four of them, only one has actually stuck by me. I've noticed that no matter how loyal and dedicated to these people I've been, there have been problems. But only in one instance have they resolved themselves every time, without fail, and without any damage to our relationship.

One friend, hasn't spoken to me in over two months, after telling me that she "didn't really consider me a friend, since we didn't talk enough," even though she's the one that wanted to be friends again.

Another, we can't stop fighting over the silliest things, over and over and over again, and I can't stand being accused of so many bad things just because she's upset.

The third, can't make time for me, even though we haven't seen each other in over a year (and we were supposed to be best friends).

I'm not saying that there's a problem here (since I do seem to be the common denominator in every situation), and I know I am not perfect and have issues maintaining relationships. But when I put forth my best efforts and I'm still given flak for it, I don't think it's very fair.

I know all I do is complain. Yes. I love to complain. It helps me feel better. But there's a lot of thought here that I'm trying to put into all of it.

I don't feel right when my friends can't or won't or don't want to do what friends do for each other.


Thank you for being my underappreciated angel, Jesse. Happy 21st birthday, and I hope your margaritas were yummy.