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Oh cruel fate. I opened my front door just now and there was this HUGE BOX. Like, it was half my height and about six times as wide as me. I just said, "mom." It slid into my apartment as I kicked it soccer ball style. I ripped open the box and inside were all these clothes. I felt them and I knew: I looked at the tags: 75% of them are from Talbots. The other 25% are from Old Navy. I draped a Talbots sweater over my face (it still had the tags) and breathed it in.

Talbots is mostly what I wore before I became poor. Before this all happened. I used to be a rich girl. Yes, I was abused in my former home. But I wore Talbots clothes. Then I wore Japanese clothes. Then I became poor and wear thrift store clothes.

I'm almost afraid to wear them. I don't want them to get messed up. You don't wash Talbots clothes in the sink like I have to because you have no money.

Then, as I pawed through the clothes, I uncovered two books from my Amazon wishlist. Its a private wishlist and I've never shown anybody. And yet, in my hands were these books that no one would ever guess I'd read. And I knew immediately where they came from. My sister. I miss her.

I'm a bit sad. I am about to do something that I can not say because someone may be reading. But when I do it, my mother and father will turn on me again and all of this kindness they have been giving me will disappear. This is the nicest they've ever ever been to me. My mom almost made me cry on the phone the other day because she was talking about all the things she will do for me when I go to college. It made me almost cry because it won't happen. I want to go to college very dearly, but I feel like it will never happen. I try and try and try. I've tried three times now. The first time it was my brain that let me down. The second time it was my body. This time its circumstance.

No doubt I will try for college again. I have dreams. I know all involved will be behind me when I do it. I need an English degree to be taken seriously as a writer. I want to study music in a college setting as well. I also want to study Japanese in a college setting again. My dream is to teach english in Japan for a good 2 or 3 or even more years. I also want to be a published novelist and/or have poems published respectably. I have an even more impossible dream to be a singer and composer in a good band (not neccessarily famous...but you know all about that if you've read this journal enough). There are many things I want to do. And it will be hard if not impossible to do them without a college degree.

Then there's the illness barrier. I am trying my best to overcome them. But its like water slipping through my fingers. I try to get a hold of them, but more pour in and all the control I had slips away.

But, if anything, I am relentless, determined, and strong. Maybe stronger than I realize, because everyone always says to me "you are the strongest person I know". I am not strong physically, but, you know. I can't wait for things to come to me. I'll do my best. My best may not be enough, and knowing I did my best and it wasn't enough isn't enough. But...I'll try as long as my will lets.

I'll do it in my way. I'll do it the way I have to do it. I don't know where this quest will take me. But I'm on this quest and I'm fighting. Its not like I could kill myself anyway. All the times I tried and I'm still here. It means something, right? Means I'm meant to do something. I'll do it.