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You never really know someone, do you? It's easy for me to say this. Everyday. Because my trust is not in you. It's not in anyone. It's very simple for me to shut down, to close my doors and let loose the shades, so that no one can see in. I wish I could let people see in....but the blinds just stay closed. They've been stuck shut for as long as I can remember. I sometimes wonder why they're closed all the time. Then I recall all the times I've felt cheated, denied, lied to, or abandoned. Then I let my hands fall to my sides, watching the shadows of the blinds change their shape as the sunlight hits them. I can't trust you with what I have to say, only because you will repeat it with malice. I can't trust you with what I feel, only because you will only disregard it. I can't trust you with my possessions, only because you will lose them. I can't trust you with anything of mine only because I know that you don't care. No one does. It may seem cruel that I'm shutting people out, but everyone's the same. I don't want to give them a chance because I've lost the will to. It takes courage to stand in front of someone and let them judge you. Oh, all the things someone can say. The gouges and scars someone can inflict. The blood someone can bleed from one wound. I want to have the will to believe that people are good, but I can't. I take one look at the people around me and use them as examples. I don't know them. Why should I let them know me? If I do let them get to know me...what will they say? An arsenal of painful words lies behind their teeth, waiting to be fired upon the innocent. I just want people to understand. Is that too much to ask? Not to judge based on what they see with their eyes, or what others say, or what happened in the past. It sounds hypocritical. I want a second chance, but I don't want to give anyone else one. You know what? Maybe I will. In contrast to what I said only sentences ago, it's better to forget what I've learned about people and try something new. I seem to have misplaced the key to the door that locks me within. I hope that I can find it, so that I may understand to be understood.
Things like this go both ways. I can't expect people to want to know me if I don't place any trust in them. It's hard for me to trust anyone. But can't that be true with all people? It's better to be cautious than to let everything show at the same time. (It's less interesting that way) Much like a novel. If the resolution was revealed on the first page, what good would reading the rest be? The typical human picks at another human's protective shell bit by bit. We learn things by asking questions, making observations. By paying attention, we can then learn who someone is. Details give away everything if put in the right place. Looking for them makes them hide, so we must be discreet in the way we search for such things...