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i cry a lot. i dont know why either. its like little things that make me cry.
whenever someone shouts at me i cry, whenever someone i love is mad at me i cry, whenever i make a mistake that hurts someone i cry.
one of the things that makes me the saddest is when people dont like me. ive never had many friends and i dont know why. maybe its because i can be all hyper one second & depressed the next? i just want to feel needed in this world, to have people who like me & enjoy my company.
i find that whenever im sad i dont really have anyone to talk to. cant talk to my parents because half the time im crying because they are shouting at me & the other half i dont want them to think im just a big cry baby. cant talk to my sisters because they dont understand & therefore dont care. when i was living in england i could have just walked out of the house & down the road to my friend zoes house & talked to her, but i have no friends that live near me here.
when i think of my friends in england, pretty much just zoe and amina, i start crying because i miss them. zoe hasnt really been a good friend to me & ive always felt like a 3rd wheel whenever it was me her & another person, but ive known her since i was 5 years old & first started school in england & ive always been around her.
actually whenever im with any other 2 friends i tend to get left out. my best friend here in america, tori, told me the other day that her grandma hates me for no reason and that really upset me because it hurts to be hated.
also when i cry i tend to not breathe. i cant really breathe deeply usually and so when i cry i end up holding my breath for about a minute, taking a short breath, & holding it again. which ends up giving me a headache & my lungs hurt. and for some reason at the moment when i breath in my left shoulder hurts, which is kinda weirding me out.i tend to have a lot of freak accidents and hurt myself a lot because of my clumsiness.
i hate when people make fun of me. especially when its my friends. like frequently i use english colloquialisms and slang, which my friends here dont understand and theyre like 'oh look there she goes again speaking cera language. dont talk to me.'
they also say 'I DONT KNOW YOU' a lot which makes me sad. i know, or at least think, that they are just joking around, but it still hurts.
i also hate when people try to imitate my accent. im kinda losing it but some things i say you can really tell. my sister does it a lot & when i tell her to stop imitating me shes like 'i cant help it' but i know that she can & she just pisses me off when she does it.
i tend to lose my temper quickly, especially if im trying to concentrate & my sisters are bugging me.
my friend tori asked me the other day why i never smile in pictures, idk maybe because im ugly when i smile & theres nothing to smile about? once a guy found out i liked him & he called me ugly. and i know that i am. i mean im sorry that im not some blonde bimbo. so the guy i like now, i kinda want to tell him i like him, but im afraid hell reject me so i wont even talk to him. one of my friends was gonna tell him for me, which im kinda mad about because i really want to tell him myself, i just dont have the guts, but i guess could also be a good thing because then if he says something bad when he finds out then i can just ask my friend not to tell me.
so there you have it im basically a weak ugly pathetic crybaby with quite a few issues. and so here i am sitting typing out all this that probably no-one is even gonna care about & thinking to myself 'cera, what the hell is wrong with you'.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzY8LA4rxxM