Alex: (8:20pm) Awake.
Amanda: (8:21pm) ...Morning...
Alex: (8:21pm) Heh, hardly.
Amanda: (8:22pm) Morning for you.
Alex: (8:22pm) Yup. Whassup?
Amanda: (8:24pm) I'm... very very confused. I've been grappling with it for about 7 hours, but I haven't figured anything out.
Alex: (8:24pm)Confused? About what?
Amanda: (8:25pm) Nettie and I made up. We talked for about 3 hours online... things came up.
Alex: (8:25pm) I see. That's good that you're talking.
Amanda: (8:26pm) It's not what I'm confused about.
Alex: (8:26pm) What is?
Amanda: (8:27pm) "One kiss wouldn't hurt."
"She wants a lot. And... I can't give her the answer she wants when she says 'Do you love me?'"
"I don't know. Could we have a relationship? Would that have been possible? Is it still? I'm thinking heavily..."
"I know. I can't... ask you to wait. I can't. But... if things with Amanda go sour... No... I won't plan ahead. I won't think like that."
"If... If... I didn't meet Amanda... I think... I think I would easily..."
...That last one stung a bit more than the others.
Alex: (8:29pm) How so? Do you know what I meant?
Amanda: (8:30pm) No... It's why I'm confused. But she showed me the whole conversation. So... I don't know what to think.
Alex: (8:31pm) Well, it was the truth.
Amanda: (8:31pm) I knew that part.
Alex: (8:31pm) Ask me anything.
Amanda: (8:32pm) I'm afraid of the answers.
Alex: (8:33pm) Don't be.
Amanda: (8:35pm) ...I... ... Are you... Are you just waiting for things between us to fall apart...? Is that what you want...?
Alex: (8:35pm) No.
Amanda: (8:36pm) Do you... even WANT a relationship with me...?
Alex: (8:37pm) I wish I knew. I hate to use a double negative, but I know I don't not want it.
Amanda: (8:39pm) I... don't understand that. If you know you don't want to not have a relationship, then how do you not know if you do...?
Alex: (8:42pm) Because... I... don't like relationships. But I like you. But I like being alone. But I like what we do. But a relationship means commitment. But I like spending time with you. But I don't like... feling attached. But I like having someone. But I like myself.
Amanda: (8:43pm) Then... then what do I do? What can I do...?
Alex: (8:48pm) I DON'T KNOW. I want and don't want and need and don't need and I can't have it all but I want it but do I and do I care who gets hurt or what happens and who matters and what if this is it? My only chance at a relationship? Do I take it because of that? But that's wrong, but you said you would give her a chance and I did, well do you like her? And yes, but I don't know how much and she wants and wants and that's fair but you don't want to give and you want to keep and you're a horrible person and you deserve this and to be all alone because you are the worst this world has to offer and you can't show your friends who you are or what you think and you have to pretend... and... and...
Amanda: (8:53pm) I'm here for you. You... you need to trust me. Trust me that I want you for who you really are. You're not the worst in this world. The worst is lying to your own flesh and blood, attacking her, abandoning her. The worst is trying to kill your husband's child because you don't want to share him with the little girl that needs him. The worst is telling someone your parents are dead, just so you can have an excuse not to talk to them. The worst is ignoring what's right in front of your eyes because you can't stand to look at it and you don't want to deal with it because you can't be bothered. You're not the worst. I'm begging you not to think that. Twenty one years of hating yourself is a long time, but... but I wasn't there before. I'm here. All I want is to be here. Correct you when you start to destroy yourself. Be here for you, at least one person you can turn to no matter what. Prove that I won't judge you. That I care. That I won't walk away when it gets too hard. Alex, I'm here... I don't want to leave. Please... I know I'm not perfect. I know I'm incredibly difficult to deal with. But all I want is for you to be happy. Even if it means that you want me out of your life for good, I'll... I'll smile through the tears and say I love you, and if it'll make you happy, then I'll walk away. I need you to understand... please...
Alex: (9:07pm) I don't want you to walk away.
Amanda: (9:09pm) Then I won't. I['ll stand by your side for as long as you let me. I'll be there, no matter what. You don't have to trust me. I'm more than happy to prove it.
Alex: (9:09pm) I do trust it!
Amanda: (9:10pm)Do you? Can you honestly say that you trust me when I say that I love you, that I'll be here, that I'll never try to hurt you and if I do, I'll always make it right? Do you honestly trust me?
Alex: (9:16pm) I... think so. I know you love me. I know you wouldn't hurt me.
Amanda: (9:18pm) I know that you know, but I don't know it's sank in yet. Alex, I need your trust. I know that you're scared. You don't want to be attached, you don't want to have to worry about anyone but yourself. You don't have a good impression of relationships (thank you, Eric.), and you're afraid to be hurt if you get in too deep. But you need to trust me. Trust that we can make this work, if we both want it to. That I won't fall for someone else. That I won't tell you "Tough s**t, I don't want you anymore." Trust that I couldn't do that. That I want you more than chocolate. More than Hello Kitty. More than I want to wake up early tomorrow morning just for the chance to talk to you before breakfast. I can do everything in my power to make you happy. I can give you everything I have, and I'll be happy when you take it. But you need to trust me to do it. You need... No, I need. I need you to take a leap of faith. To hold my hand and jump off the edge, and see if we can fly.
Alex: (9:29pm) Phone is dying. Going to charge it. I will respond in an hour.
Amanda: (9:29pm) I'll wait for you then.
(So far so good.)
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Mental Cesspool
All the little thoughts, problems, and concerns that I may be dealing with at any given time, spread out for the internet to see.
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